What’s Your Number?

What’s Your Number?

Directed by: Mark Mylod
Cast: Anna Faris, Chris Evans, Ari Graynor
Running Time: 1 hr 46 mins
Rating: R
Release Date: September 30, 2011

PLOT: Ally (Faris) looks back at the past twenty men she’s had relationships with in her life and decides that one of them has to be her true love.

WHO’S IT FOR? It’s a frivolous rom-com, that is normally PG-13, but they’ve decided to throw in some f-bombs. The foul language doesn’t help disguise this as nothing more than a superficial chick-flick. 

EXPECTATIONS: I like me some Faris. House Bunny worked for me, so Faris in an R-rated rom-com sounds good. Evans didn’t do much for me in Captain America, but he proved he can be funny in Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.

SCORECARD (0-10)

OVERALL

Let’s just wash our hands of this situation and move on to something else, OK? No? Well, I don’t want to just hate on a movie for no point, so let me try to find some points to discuss on why I think What’s Your Number? missed it’s chance, and simply is a waste of anyone’s time.

Ally is a woman who slinks out of bed with her boyfriend in the morning, quietly gets ready (hair, makeup, teeth), and then slinks back in. Wait a minute. I’m describing the hilarious Bridesmaids. I must have gotten confused for a sec…. nope, What’s Your Number? reuses that plot device, and many others. In the beginning of the film Ally loses her boyfriend and gets fired. Yes, that happens in tons of films, but I’m not even holding that against this one. It’s what comes next that is truly annoying. She reads a magazine article explaining that the average number of men that a woman has slept with is 10.5. And Ally’s number is 19! Cue the slutty music!

Not only are we supposed to care that she’s slept with 8.5 more men than the average, now she’s on a mission to reunite with one of her ex-boyfriends because then she won’t be a slut! She’s only got one more cliché left to find herself her soul mate! I hate explanation points!

Colin (Evans) happens to be Ally’s sex-crazed neighbor who is great at tracking down people. You see, Ally can’t figure out how to use Google and Facebook, so she needs help. This might be a good time to mention that Ally is kind of an idiot. She even occasionally says things like this to herself, “What am I doing, I shouldn’t be doing this.” And you, the audience member are sitting there nodding your help in total agreement. She shouldn’t and a normal person wouldn’t, but Ally is an idiot. Did I mention even though her job was in marketing, she has a secret artistic passion (making supposedly-odd sculptures) on the side, and she wishes she could just do that for a living but no one has ever believed in her until Colin? You know what kind of background would help you sell your sculptures? Marketing. If only Ally knew of someone with those skills. Wait a minute, she has those skills! Unfortunately What’s Your Number? isn’t skilled enough to make that connection.

It’s lazy. They under-utilize great comedic talents like Martin Freeman, Thomas Lennon, Joel McHale, Aziz Ansari (voice only), Andy Sandberg (actually seen more in the trailer than the film) and even Farris’ real-life love interest Chris Pratt (though he does get the most laughs out of this group). Check that last sentence out, three parentheses in one sentence. I don’t think Ally could pull that one off. All of these men combined are on the screen for probably 15 minutes total. Actually, that’s not even the main reason that it is lazy. Let me describe McHale’s role in the film. Ally thinks Roger (McHale) could be someone she could love … until she realizes he smells his balls. She’s insanely turned off by this. She can’t stand it, because she knows those hands are covered in balls (the same balls she loved the night before). The morning after sex, she doesn’t want to be near him, and especially not his hands, since again … they were on this balls. Trust me, I’m not beating this into the ground as much as this movie does. So, how does Ally react after Roger touches his balls, then Colin, and then rubs her hands? You would think she screams, washes her hands, explains the situation to Colin and they bond over ball man. Nope. She grabs something out of the fridge and moves on. It’s like she’s eating ball rubbings. That is lazy execution people, and you don’t have to watch it. Hell, ladies go watch 27 Dresses again, and I rarely say that, but at least it’s average.

If anything, it feels like What’s Your Number? is the worst version of what Bridesmaids could have been. It just doesn’t heart, and every joke feels completely forced and obvious, like a hair-weave near an open flame. That’s not my example, it actually happens in the film.

Faris is definitely better than this. Evans is better than this. Again, just like the movie should have done, let’s wash our hands of What’s Your Number? and just move on.

FINAL SCORE: 3/10

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