We start the Top 7. You finish the Top 10.
Everyone, including yours truly, is uber-excited about the long overdue sequel to TRON, TRON: Legacy. When Bayer requested that I do a Top 7 Movies That Need Sequels, I was intrigued and excited. When Bayer also gave Calhoun that same assignment I was somewhat less intrigued and excited; and when Calhoun hogged up all the movies I was going to pick and ran off giggling, the romance was over.
In desperately searching for movies that should have a sequel that aren’t on Calhoun’s list, I’ve amassed a list of sequel abominations, sequels that would mean a desecration of the art of film and make us all feel like dirty wh*res. These are the sequels that would improve upon celluloid the way the Visigoths tidied up Rome.
Yes, folks. It’s the dark side of TOP 7 Movies (20 yrs+) That Deserve a Sequel. Simply reading this list will knock 15 points off your IQ.
7. The Big Chill (1983)
Pitched As: The Bigger, Colder Chill
Recap: A group of thirty-somethings gather at the home of Harold (Kevin Kline) and Sarah Cooper (Glenn Close) for the funeral of a friend, Alex, who committed suicide. The friends take advantage of the unhappy circumstances to become reacquainted with each other. Also stars Jeff Goldblum, Tom Berenger, William Hurt and Meg Tilly.
The Sequel: Twenty-seven years later, Harold and Sarah Cooper have separated and taken other partners. All the friends have drifted apart and are comfortably settled in their fifties. When Nick Carlton (William Hurt) is diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, he decides he must come clean: the friend didn’t commit suicide all those years ago…he was MURDERED! Now, with cutting-edge DNA technology, journalist Michael Gold (Jeff Goldblum) and Harold, now retired, petition to have Alex’s body dug up and tested for signs of foul play. The friends are startled to learn that one of them…is a killer. Now they must race against the clock to uncover the truth, no matter what the cost.
6. Gandhi (1982)
Pitched As: Gandhi Goes Viral
Recap: Thoughtful biography of Mahatma Gandhi who worked tirelessly for India’s independence from England from 1893 to his death in 1948. Gandhi championed nonviolent protestation and became one of history’s great icons.
The Sequel: Instead of being killed by an assassin in 1948 (which I think we can all agree is a bummer), Gandhi is seriously injured but not killed. The injury has a startling side-effect, however: it stimulates the left hemisphere of his brain and suddenly he can only think in numbers. Gandhi gives up a life of philosophy and politics in order to pursue his newest obsession: electronics. The story follows Gandhi’s quest to invent the internet and found “youtube,” despite the minor inconvenience that computers themselves were not readily available until the early 1970s. He may have pushed for a country’s freedom and inspired the likes of Martin Luther King Jr., but Gandhi hasn’t realized his true dream until he can share, with the rest of the world, the video of an orangutan humping a tire swing.
5. The Color Purple (1985)
Pitched As: The Color Purple, Lawyered Up
Recap: Based on the bestselling novel by Alice Walker, The Color Purple follows the hard life of Celie (Whoopie Goldberg) a young African American woman growing up in the South in the early 1900s. She is “given” to Mister (Danny Glover) a wealthy man who abuses and controls her, but ultimately she is liberated by the friendships she forms with other woman and her own growing inner strength.
The Sequel: Celie’s granddaughter Jai’lysa (Zoe Saldana) hires high-priced attorney John Addison (Denzel Washington) and together they sue the holy hell out of everyone they can find with any connection to the people who hurt or exploited Celie. In the meantime, Celie (Whoopie Goldberg) lives in a beautiful home surrounded by her loving and supportive family where she is protected and beloved. When Jai’lysa considers learning martial arts and becoming a vigilante, Celie talks her out of it, because it’s more effective to just keep on suing. In the end, Jai’lysa and John garner millions from all that litigation and they set up a fund for underprivileged young women.
4. Fatal Attraction (1987)
Pitched As: Fatal Attraction 2: Alex Goes to Therapy
Recap: Even though he’s happily married, New York Lawyer Dan Gallagher (Michael Douglas) has a fling with a beautiful woman named Alex (Glenn Close). After a weekend together, Alex starts to stalk Dan and terrorize his family.
The Sequel: Beginning where the first Fatal Attraction leaves off, Alex (Glenn Close) is not actually dead in the bathtub and EMTs are able to resuscitate her. She’s charged with attempted murder, but isn’t deemed competent to stand trial. Instead, she’s institutionalized and starts regular therapy with Dr. Sean Maguire (Robin Williams, reprising his award winning role from Good Will Hunting). Slowly, with Sean’s help, Alex begins to work through all her issues with her parents and her childhood and once she’s on the proper medication, she really starts to mellow out. Her self-esteem improves along with her sense of her own identity. Meanwhile, Dan (Michael Douglas) lures his wife, Beth (Anne Archer) to the Bahamas and kills her for her life insurance policies. His reputation and career devastated by the affair and subsequent stalking, Dan plots to get rich and pin the blame on Alex.
3. 16 Candles (1984)
Pitched As: 42 Candles
Recap: Samantha (Molly Ringwald) is running the full gauntlet of teenage angst. Her older sister is getting married, her family seems to have forgotten all about Samantha’s sixteenth birthday, and she’s in love with the hottest guy in high school! What’s a girl to do? Between dealing with her painful crush and trying to dissuade the huge geek who’s in love with her, will Samantha get all of her sweet sixteen wishes?
The Sequel: Samantha (Molly Ringwald) is now a bitter divorcee who lives alone with her three cats and spends most of her time blogging about what pigs all men are. During the day she works in an independent bookstore and at night she stuffs cookie dough into her face and surfs the web. Then, after reading the book Eat, Pray, Love, Samantha is inspired to spend her forty-second birthday in another country where she can rediscover herself. She can’t afford Rome, India, or Bali, but she does get a good deal on an all-inclusive package in Puerto Vallarta. Once there, Samantha meets sexy Spaniard Aemilio (Javier Bardem), but blows it by coming off as too desperate.
2. Mommie Dearest (1980)
Pitched As: Mommie Rides Again
Recap: The film depicts the unrelenting craziness and abuse suffered by Christina Crawford (Diana Scarwid) at the hands of her adopted mother, movie star Joan Crawford (Faye Dunaway).
The Sequel: Actually, Mommie Rides Again is a remake, but it IS in 3D! “No more WIRE HANGERS EVER!” Now the entire audience can share the experience of being beaten with a wire hanger and being forced to clip the rose bushes at three o’clock in the morning. Now, I know what you’re thinking…what if the 3D isn’t that great? Well, not to worry! The technology used for James Cameron’s Avatar will be applied to give Mommie Rides Again the same hyper-realistic feel!
1. Sophie’s Choice (1982)
Pitched As: Sophie’s Next Choice Live!
Recap: Sophie (Meryl Streep) is a beautiful woman haunted by her past: she is a holocaust survivor. She begins a passionate affair with the charismatic Nathan (Kevin Kline), who is, himself, obsessed with the holocaust. By the end of the film, the appalling truth behind Sophie’s choice is finally revealed.
The Sequel: Now that scientists know what Sophie (Meryl Streep) can survive without going completely bonkers, they decide to subject her to a series of challenges where she has to make increasingly difficult choices. Sophie, unaware that her life has become a twisted version of The Truman Show, fights to hold onto her sanity as she is forced into harder and harder decisions: shove a harmless old man off a cliff to keep the world from ending, OR save that old man with the knowledge that the entire planet is now doomed? As she’s driven increasingly more insane with the sadistic moral dilemmas the evil scientists devise for her, Nathan (Kevin Kline) fights to save her.