We start the Top 7. You finish the Top 10.
There are the obvious reasons. 3-D is corrupting the genuine nature of film – whether it’s the filmmaker who challenges the purity of his/her image, or it’s the audience’s naked eye having its direct connection with visuals on-screen impeded upon. 3-D is especially evil when considering its greedy nature, and most post-production conversions anchored by studios have only lead to visual disasters. 3-D has still barely moved beyond what it used to be back in the early 80’s, when movies like Friday the 13th: Part III came out – a gimmick. Talk about something that actually can give you a headache.
Here’s a list of good* non-animated 3-D movies released so far in 2010:
(*certified fresh by Rotten Tomatoes)
I’m still convinced that 3-D is a form that, when it comes to live action, should still be reserved for Hannah Montana concert movies, mega-documentaries that play at science museums, and fully dedicated visual experiences like Avatar (hopefully Tron Legacy). We don’t need 3-D as much as we are provided it. And we especially don’t need fleeting wannabe spectacles like Clash of the Titans to be in 3-D. As a frequent moviegoer, I am of course very open to the chance that some movies will prove me wrong. But if Avatar reminded us of anything, it’s that great graphics do not alone make a great film.
And now, here are the other, less common but still important reasons as to why 3-D sucks. I’d like to dedicate this Top 7 to the fifteen dollars I am inevitably going to lose to Saw 3-D. Damn you, Jigsaw. You manipulative bastard.
7. Wearing 3-D Glasses Makes Me Look Stupid
Brace yourselves, internet folk, but I have a revelation. I wear glasses. Real ones – with black frames, and lenses prescribed to my specific eyesight. It’s a weird concept that not many people can relate to (don’t worry, my eyes are indeed still working. I am not a robot.) But when I journey to “magical,” 5/10-tastic experiences Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole, I have to wear the 3-D glasses on top of my prescription spectacles. Nowhere else on this planet would I be able to get away with a look. But apparently now since I’m in the dark, even if I’m amongst a hundred people, it’s not foolish for me to wear glasses on top of glasses. Black rims on top of black rims. For some, I imagine it must be worse. Next time the 3-D movie you pay a lot of money to see isn’t offering you enough bang for its buck, just turn around and look at the audience members. Try not to giggle malevolently. Take that, six eyes-ers.
6. 3-D Is Now Becoming A Part of Pop Culture
As the years go on, the times we live in now will share the embarrassing memory of 3-D, and how the visual gimmick made its way into being a universal fad. Not only are we filling our movie theaters with a 3-D movie seemingly every week, but we are surrounding ourselves with the name 3-D, as if the quality of 3D should be associated with good things. For example, here’s a picture of a band shirt that uses 3D and the old-fashioned glasses as its central hook. Now, here’s a picture of Crest 3-D Whitestrips, which the “3-D” apparently means “three days” … but I’m not buying it. This usage of 3-D, and countless others that pop up in non visual products like Whitestripes, are not only lame association, but they are leading encouragement towards the thought that 3-D is normal. NO. 3-D IS NOT NORMAL.
5. 3-D Glasses Have Wrongly Become Fashionable
As for pop culture, it gets worse … leave it to the youth of today to make the cycle of 3-D’s stupidity spin even more out of control. Have you seen this? These whippersnappers, whose demographic stretch from tweens to misguided hipsters, have adapted the 3-D glasses to be makeshift Ray-Ban glasses. The kids leave their screening of My Soul to Take, poke out the dimmed lenses, and try to pass them off as cheap thick-rimmed specs. From the Facebook pictures I’ve seen such of tomfoolery, it looks like it’s an attempt for an individual to present an inner geek. (Instead, it’s their inner idiot.) I doubt that the intention behind this look has to do with a person desiring to proclaim to the world, “Yes, I just paid fifteen dollars to see Step Up 3D!” Instead, this look is saying, “I got conned into a 3-D movie. I am going to look dumb in public as my punishment. Oh yes, and it still says ‘Real 3-D’ on the side also. That’s cool, right?”
4. 3-D Jokes
The consistent presence of 3-D in the general mainstream has brought about a horrible era for the unwritten art of Casual Comedy. Ladies and gentlemen, I am referring of course to the numerous jokes that use 3-D as the punchline. In recent times, they have somehow become acceptable, and worthy of even the tiniest pity laugh. For example: There’s the ironic joke: “Is it going to be in 3-D?” asked by a person after the For Colored Girls trailer plays. Or, there’s the “Whoa! It’s like 3-D!” quip that your lame friend says when an object comically gets close to their actual eyesight. Or even worse, when someone like me punches them in the face. Yes, 3-D is itself a joke with its own sad punchline. So stop making it worse, bro.
3. 3-D Televisions
The only good thing about 3-D televisions is that it is going to privatize the foolishness of watching 3-D – I’d be able to have my embarrassing six eyes experience in the privacy of my own home. Everything about 3-D television is evil. You see, television should be simple. Movies can be more complicated when it comes to their experiences because you have to go out to see them. But television should look as natural as possible. So, the reality of HD … good. The idea of wearing glasses to watch a goshdarn movie sitting on my cheap-ass couch … bad.
2. The Image Is Too Damn Dark
There’s a reason I don’t wear sunglasses when I watch movies. I like to watch movies with the proper amount of lighting, (no lamps on at home). I don’t like looking at a picture quality that consistently has me dreaming of just taking off the damn glasses, and suffering through the skewed image, for the ironic sake of maybe being able to see what is going on – such as with Piranha 3D. Did you see those rushing underwater sequences? BECAUSE I COULDN’T. It was much too dark to decipher what was going on. And even with the post-converted images of Clash of the Titans , I couldn’t fully get movie-involved into the landscapes that were on-screen. To quote Christopher Nolan, someone who knows a few things about [good] movies, “I find the dimness of the image extremely alienating.”
1. Going To See Bad Movies Costs More Money
I love going to the movies. I am extremely lucky to say that I go to the movies a very good amount each week, and I can easily say that I never really get tired of it. And while a great film can certainly provide that wonderful enrichment to the movie soul or mind, the bad films should never be forgotten for the other type of movie-going amusement that they can provide. Unfortunately, 3-D wants to suck away this fun, as if the movies in question didn’t suck enough themselves (especially the ones that aren’t screened ahead of time). I can’t venture to Resident Evil: Afterlife for some Sunday afternoon sh*ts and giggles without throwing down the amount of money I would pay to see Inception again, plus a few more dollars on top of that. I didn’t see the supposedly awful, probably hilariously-bad My Soul to Take for this reason (or even Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore). Technology to supposedly “enhance” film has gone too far when it starts to reduce from the joy of simply going to the movies.