Piranha 3D Directed by: Alexandre Aja Starring: Elizabeth Shue, Ving Rhames, Adam Scott Rating: R Release Date: August 27, 2010
TRAILER SCORE: 6/10
MY THOUGHTS: I do not like slasher movies, because I feel like they are mindless, sexist dreck for dimwits. I could go on and on about the uselessness of slasher movies...but put an animal-run-amok in there and I am as happy as a gleeful pig in sh*t. This great love of mine dates way back into my childhood from the original Piranha released in 1978 (Hey you Avatar junkies! James Cameron directed Piranha Part 2: The Spawning released in 1981! Didn't know THAT didja smarties?), to Alligator (1980), Nightwing (1979), Wolfen (1981) all the way up to the delectable Arachnophobia (1990)--not in chronological order, obviously, but the order in which I saw them as a young child and was subsequently warped into the freak I am today.
And when I heard they were remaking Piranha in 3D my reaction was...it's about effing time, people. Does the preview look ridiculously stupid? That's not the real question: is the preview CONSCIOUS of its ridiculous stupidity and the answer is a resounding "yes, ma'am" it is. The preview opens with an almost academic look at the advances of 3D and then descends into a "and if you liked all them schmancy 3D movies about oceans and stuff, you'll LOVE watching a horde of sharp-toothed fish snacking on frivolous coeds!" And they're right...I WILL. And so will YOU, world. So drop all the snobbery and embrace your inner monster movie wh*re, as I have.
Let's take a peek at the cast. The cast can tell us a lot about a movie, unless of course that movie is Ocean's 12 & 13, and then it's just a let down. Hmm--Elizabeth Shue. Inscrutable, so far. She was great as herself in Hamlet 2, but otherwise she's dropped right off the grid. Ving Rhames used to be a check on the positive side--now it looks more like his career has hit a rough patch for whatever reason (cocaine and/or compulsive shopping? Pure conjecture at this point); and if that's Ving at the end of the preview brandishing a weed-whacker and screaming, "Chew on this!" then we can assume he left Primeville for Craptown a long time ago. Luckily, we have Adam Scott to pull us through...Adam Scott the pro-golfer? Okay, so we're screwed as far as the cast goes.
And yet, I'm thrilled to pieces. I've asked Bayer to send me to the sneak preview and he hasn't really responded...I hope he's still speaking to me. I'd hate to lose a friend over Piranha 3D, but then again
GO FISHIES, GO! NYUM-NYUM-NYUM!!!
ARGHhhh!!!!!!!!!! The trailer has been removed by the Weinstein Company. As soon as the trailer pops online, we'll have it for you. Sorry for the delay.