Piranha 3D Directed by: Alexandre Aja Starring: Elizabeth Shue, Ving Rhames, Adam Scott Rating: R Release Date: August 27, 2010
TRAILER SCORE: 6/10
MY THOUGHTS: I do not like slasher movies, because I feel like they are mindless, sexist dreck for dimwits. I could go on and on about the uselessness of slasher movies...but put an animal-run-amok in there and I am as happy as a gleeful pig in sh*t. This great love of mine dates way back into my childhood from the original Piranha released in 1978 (Hey you Avatar junkies! James Cameron directed Piranha Part 2: The Spawning released in 1981! Didn't know THAT didja smarties?), to Alligator (1980), Nightwing (1979), Wolfen (1981) all the way up to the delectable Arachnophobia (1990)--not in chronological order, obviously, but the order in which I saw them as a young child and was subsequently warped into the freak I am today.
And when I heard they were remaking Piranha in 3D my reaction was...it's about effing time, people. Does the preview look ridiculously stupid? That's not the real question: is the preview CONSCIOUS of its ridiculous stupidity and the answer is a resounding "yes, ma'am" it is. The preview opens with an almost academic look at the advances of 3D and then descends into a "and if you liked all them schmancy 3D movies about oceans and stuff, you'll LOVE watching a horde of sharp-toothed fish snacking on frivolous coeds!" And they're right...I WILL. And so will YOU, world. So drop all the snobbery and embrace your inner monster movie wh*re, as I have.
Let's take a peek at the cast. The cast can tell us a lot about a movie, unless of course that movie is Ocean's 12 & 13, and then it's just a let down. Hmm--Elizabeth Shue. Inscrutable, so far. She was great as herself in Hamlet 2, but otherwise she's dropped right off the grid. Ving Rhames used to be a check on the positive side--now it looks more like his career has hit a rough patch for whatever reason (cocaine and/or compulsive shopping? Pure conjecture at this point); and if that's Ving at the end of the preview brandishing a weed-whacker and screaming, "Chew on this!" then we can assume he left Primeville for Craptown a long time ago. Luckily, we have Adam Scott to pull us through...Adam Scott the pro-golfer? Okay, so we're screwed as far as the cast goes.
And yet, I'm thrilled to pieces. GO FISHIES, GO! NYUM-NYUM-NYUM!!!