The gods of MTV's "Jersey Shore" dress better than me, have tighter dance moves, and a number of "conquests" that I could only match with how many girls have told me "No." They are the stars of the latest reality show sensation from the same channel that brought us "Laguna Beach," and they are "hot," "fresh to death," and some of them even look like "Rambo without a shirt on." But tremble not, muggles. Those who share my inferiority complex can connect with these perfect creatures by taking a magnifying glass to their individual love lives. Though difficult to believe, the residents of "Jersey Shore" experience the same heartbreaks and denials that regular, organic human beings are faced with. As holy as the experience of "Jersey Shore" may be, we must remember it is still "The Real World," but with more hair products and trips to the tanning booth.
Continuing my work as a "Jersey Shore" evangelist, (I've got three converts to my name as of 1/6/10), I have compiled this archive that categorizes how the remaining cast members deal with the concept of "love," in hopes of allowing regular human beings to identify with the likes of Mike "The Situation," Jenni "Jwoww," or even Nicole "Snooki." To some, love is a goal. To others, it might as well be humility, because it has no f******g place in an oasis as perfect as Seaside Heights, New Jersey.
Pauly D – “Play’d into being a wingman” - You think that a homie is crazy for finding love. This is reflective of your own personal interests, as you share the goals of someone like “The Situation.” But this doesn’t mean you are actually going to succeed in that mission. You’re too busy being your friend’s wingman/stooge that you can’t even face the amount of rejection that “your boy” does. Your luck/game is so bad, you get boner-blocked by Mother Nature, or even worse, a girl’s actual mom. Even if you’re “fresh to death,” your collection of hair products you have can only assist in so much. Why are you letting your main man dump all the “grenades” on you anyway? It must be your bad habit of awkwardly standing around and not knowing what to say, Michael Cera.
Nicole “Snooki”/”Snickers”/”Snickas”/”Snookers” – “Mama’s Girl” - You know exactly what you want (“I would like to find a guy I could start a relationship with.”) And as bad as your luck may be with finding your kind of guy, you don’t entirely give up hope. You know that your aggressive dance skills (which may or may not include vagina-exposing somersaults) can attract mates, especially the specific type that you are constantly on the prowl for. So who cares if such prospects do things like puke on you or make you sleep on the beach? As opposed to your overall personality, sometimes you can get carried away, but your friends find your spunkiness to be endearing once they get used to it. Your love for your momma might provide a moral foundation, because when it comes to fun, you are fine with just making out with anyone in sight. So don’t let that “Pornstar In Training” hat that you wear while eating pickles give the wrong impression, you’re DEFINITELY not having sex with anyone (as of 12/31/09).
Mike “The Situation” – “No balls, twelve strikes” - A live-action adaptation documentary of cartoon character Johnny Bravo has finally been made, and you got the lead role. You’re a ladies man only by self-definition, and your boasting is constantly squashed by your lack of charm (“Calm down, Freckles McGee!” ) and simple minded-ness (“I’m hooking up with my girl, Pauly’s hooking up with his girl, and you know, we’re gonna have sex. That’s the situation.”) Maybe something as prominent as a camera crew can help you get attention in the club, but when it comes to actually getting female guests to go all the way when you’re on the home stretch, well, they just prefer to go away. Striking out at least twelve times in a row, (that’s “The Situation’s” real situation as of 12/31/09), you probably cry yourself to sleep, but keep telling yourself when you flex in the mirror the next morning that “I got girls back here every night. Girls love ‘The Situation.’”
Sammi “Sweetheart” – “Gaa gaa ooh la la” - Things are pretty simple for you. Because you’re (apparently) the bee’s knees, the muscle shirt suitors will come lumbering over to you, and in droves. Fully aware of your dominance, you can be a bit of a “playa” yourself, but who says girls can’t have fun also? Holding hands and making out with dudes (after he shoves his faces into yours, at least) is all a part of your game. You have the ability to turn men into boys when you reject them (even “The Situation” has a heart, or pretends to), but this is pretty reflective of your idea of how relationships work, which is broken down into three steps: “Goo goo gaa gaa, then you get really comfortable, and then sh*t goes down where you can’t deal with each other anymore.” But even someone like you, with an original intent to get laid instead of a mate, can get “suckered” into finding love at, of all places, the Jersey Shore.
Ronnie – “Never Gonna Be Alone” - Your constant failure to wear a shirt doesn’t fool anyone. It’s only symbolic of your emotional nakedness, as you are the sentimental one in the group. At first you try to set up a muscular brick wall, and say things to yourself like, “Don’t sh*t where you sleep,” and “My only rule: never fall in love, at the Jersey Shore.” You even try to reduce a romantic event like meaningful sex by simply saying, “We smushed.” But once a girl you like starts talking to someone else, your sentimental goes into nuclear meltdown, and the tears (and romantic dialogue) swell up like emo-roid rage. Speaking from your heart, you’d say something overdramatic like “I was ready to put you in the equation – you, in the equation!” You may want to be the most jacked krump dancer a nightclub has ever seen, but most of all you don’t want to be alone. It’s also likely you cry when you a butt-rock ballad by Nickelback comes on the radio.
Jenni “Jwoww” – “Can’t Stop Partyin’ In DJ Pauly D’s Pants” - You are in a loving relationship that you can’t live without, but omg it’s such a mess. News flash, however, as the problem may be you: You like to party, which is fine. But your flirtatiousness is out of control, and heightened even more by the presence of House music (but not R&B – that’s a whole different level of grinding music!) Once the drinks keep pouring and the beat keeps getting “beat up,” you will dance with anyone, and have crazy eye-sex with anyone who can focus on your pupils and not be distracted/grossed out by any other part of your body. The thought of your loving companion, who is not at the club, doesn’t even cross your mind until you do something wild like peep at a dude’s penis piercing. Then the light bulb goes on, and guess what Dr. Pants McParty, you just cheated on the person you apparently can’t live without.
Vinny - "Vinny" - You like to have fun, and your fist pumps seem to be the only aggressive element about your entire aura while doing so. You’ll create fireworks on the club floor with anyone, (“I don’t care if you’re fat, old, I’m gonna dance with you.”) But sometimes, bad luck haunts your harmless attempts to have fun, with problems ranging from strangely getting pink eye from a club to accidentally stealing your boss’ girl. As for being a human being, you provide researchers such as myself insufficient evidence as to an insight to your quirks (you like cougahhhs and you tend to make bad jokes, but that’s all I have for now). But your lack of attention leads me (and most of America) to think you’re pretty normal. You’re the best at hiding your insecurities, at least. A special fist pump to you, sir!