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Friday the 13th

Friday the 13th Directed by: Marcus Nispel Cast: Jared Padalecki, Danielle Panabaker, Derek Mears Running Time: 1 hr 40 mins Rating: R

Plot: Jason Voorhees (Mears) is back, or maybe we're supposed to be meeting him for the first time.  Campers come to Crystal Lake and meet their doom at the hands of this grown up with mommy issues.

Who’s It For? Slasher fans will get their bloody fill, and so will those needing to see some naked ladies.

Expectations: Sure, the director's name (Marcus Nispel) makes me immediately think of Nipsey Russell, who I always confuse with Garrett Morris and then I just keep thinking about "baseball being berry, berry good to me" ... what were we talking about?


Actors: Derek Mears as Jason Voorhees: So this kid sees his mom die, then survives in the abandoned camp. That's the first step, then he just stays in great shape and becomes a master with the blade and a pretty good shot with the bow and arrow? I guess that's all fine, and the really bad hair is a nice touch. My complaint is simply this ... his killing got boring. That's what he gets for being in a slasher flick. Score: 4

The twenty-something actors as Kids That Die (though a few live, maybe): Jared Padalecki puffs his chest, Travis Van Winkle is appropriately annoying and Kyle Davis steals the show. There are some you can't wait to die, and others you are rooting for but for the most part, the "leads" just don't matter. Score: 5

Talking: Some surprisingly good one-liners fill chunks of this film. Most of the jokes have to do with pot and sex with tap right in to the core audience who are lining up to see this film. Score: 5

Sights: Camp Crystal Lake doesn't look all that terrifying, and neither does the bedroom that Jason sleeps in. The film does introduce the hockey mask, which is just as iconic as James Bond's tux and it gets a nice roar from the crowd when Jason checks himself out in a shattered mirror. Score: 5

Sounds: Silence is golden in a horror film. Slasher porn rarely believes in it. Friday the 13th taps into an odd combination of noise and nothing, but the HUGE misstep here is the amazing score that goes something like this ... coo, coo, coo, kaa ... is rarely present. Score: 4


Best Scene: It's odd to say but the graphic title of Friday the 13th showing up 25 minutes into the film really does its job. Everything points to this being a great homage and coming up with something new ... but then we have another hour of film, sigh.

Ending: Really? REALLY? For a horror film to remain in a pseudo-reality and then dumb it down with a "you never know" moment is just lame.

Questions: Why can't we see what a man like Jason can do against 10 annoying teens at once? Almost like a Transporter moment?

Rewatchability: No, the kills became boring. That doesn't make me sadistic, is just means Friday the 13th should have tried harder.


There was a bandanna guy, annoying guy, girls that like to be topless, black guy and pot guy (OK, there's more than one of these guys). And that's the problem with most slasher porn. We just don't care if anyone survives. So after that we're left with the killer and if the executions are exciting.

The big flaw is, the fun, creative killings (yes, that's possible) happen in the very strong beginning. After that we are left with someone wandering off, Jason killing, blood, and repeat. There is no mystery and the creativity is zapped. It's also annoying the best character of the whole film is the first to die. It's all a little disappointing, because I was worried I would get crap (like the remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre) and for a while I was entertained. It just didn't last long. Though I'm sure when they make Friday the 13th (12.5 since Freddy vs. Jason only counts as a half) they'll get it right. Sigh.

Final Score: 5/10

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