This is Jeff Bayer, and I don't update this site very often. If you'd like to listen to my current movie podcast you can find it at MovieBS.com.

Silent Venom - DVD

DVD Review Silent Venom

Directed by: Cast: Luke Perry, Krista Allen, Tom Berenger Time: 1 hr 27 mins Rating: R Release Date: June 2nd, 2009

Plot: An American submarine traveling through dangerous territorial waters is put in even more danger when two scientists bring venomous snakes on board.

Who's It For?: Mostly those who know better than to watch this kind of stuff. Really, they'd be hurting themselves by attempting to partake in this particular trash dive.


Don't be fooled by, of all things, the DVD menu for Silent Venom. Not only does this movie take place in four of five confining rooms in a submarine, (as opposed to a more open jungle), it is also zero fun, start to finish, through and through. The cheesiness of the menu's jagged font, similar to watching Luke Perry hold a pistol like that, is actually secretly venomous with extreme boredom.

At the head of this disaster is Luke Perry's OK impersonation of Bruce Willis. He shoots at snakes through a glaring half squint, and mumbles lines like "Snakes ... I hate 'em" like a tough guy trying to emotionally recover from his castration (not to say that Willis has lost his cojones, certainly).

The premise of this movie, along with its poor acting, would be better enjoyed were its insistence on being legitimate not so poisonous to its junk food enjoyability. Instead of offering no-brainer gross out surprises, Silent Venom has its slithering, omnipresent villains dispatch a handful of identical sailors with the ferociousness of snails.

Worse than a C-movie begotten by a B-movie (Snakes on a Plane) is one that refuses to roll over and play brain dead, moving full steam ahead on a course that seems to only appease the self-esteem of its creators. Maybe at one time, Silent Venom was intended to be a nicely-lit submarine drama. But somehow snakes seeped into this project, and injected a boredom poison of that only doubles the movie's lameness. The snake plot is anything but a ballast to the movie's desperation of being taken seriously. This is the kind of dive into bad-movie hell that just burns more and more the deeper we sink into its deadly dullness.

Movie Score 1/10


There are no extras for this DVD.

Extras Score: 0/10


There's the type of self-aware crappy movie that makes for a somewhat engaging casual viewing, especially on the Sci-Fi channel. There's also the type of movie, that while being "awful" and "really stupid," has one or two moments that made renting/watching it even slightly worth it.

Silent Venom is neither of these. Movie masochists need not apply. This one just sucks.

Final Score: 1/10

Where's Waldo? ... Coming to a big screen near you

Box Office Review - May 31, 2009 - Up WINS