Because I was given a TV writing deal (for "Whitney," nonetheless) for how hilarious my previous awards show recap was, I've decided to unleash a second onslaught of snark onto the internet, this time making brief observations about last night's Golden Globes. As I brilliantly introduced the concept last year for the Oscars, "... I’ve decided to compile a list of last night’s highlights, spanning the entire ceremony, but not in exact order. Then, I’m going to decide what’s positive and what’s negative by indicating a “plus” or a “minus” to a general quality index. It’s a bit like Jeff Bayer’s 'Oscar Bowling,' except that it makes no sense at all."
A bunch of reviews and many not coincidental beers later, here we are at round two.
And the winning/losing moments are ...
Ricky Gervais starts out sharp with the promising first-line of, "Where was I?" This eventually collapses into a less than shocking stand-up routine as his gags involve bits about Kim Kardashian's marriage and Justin Bieber's paternity test, which is prime pop culture comic material if you want to suck. Zingers at Adam Sandler and Eddie Murphy's cross-dressing fat suit fiascos are easy pot shots. To make matters worse, Gervais brings back the "Jodie Foster's Beaver" jokes that were exhausted waaay before the movie even came out. Gervais' intro, obviously filtered by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, is so self-conscious at being rebellious that it turns the insulting comedian into a poser of his former self. MINUS A lot of laugh opportunities squandered by "the cool" parents
Some BBC series called Downton Abbey keeps getting mentioned, and only wins one Golden Globe. Sounds like a day-long nap waiting to happen, although it slightly humbles me on my accusations of My Week with Marilyn needing to get its nose blown. PLUS One good choice of having not even heard of Downtown Abbey
Before presenting on-stage with Kate Beckinsale, Seth Rogen addresses millions of viewers around the world by saying "I'm Seth Rogen, and I am trying to disguise my enormous erection." Why didn't Rogen and Franco host last year's Oscars together? PLUS A 90-minute spoiler of the experience of watching Underworld: Awakening
While reading off the nominees, Rogen calls out the HFPA for its silly nomination organization by saying Michelle Williams is nominated for "the hilarious My Week with Marilyn." PLUS Two moments of authentic douchebaggery, sounds like you've got some competition, Ricky Gervais
In the one purely Gervais moment, the comedian asks Johnny Depp, "Have you seen The Tourist yet?" PLUS One small victory for not being totally disappointed in Gervais' hosting job
Reminiscent of when Three-6-Mafia won an Oscar for "Best Original Song" and actually put on a display of true elation, the dog from The Artist, Uggie, bounces around on stage and bugs co-star Jean Dujardin while the whole crew goes on stage for "Best Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy." The pooch might be too stupid to realize that Golden Globes have little critical value, but at least the pup still knows how to be a crowd pleaser. Suck on that, subtitled dog from Beginners. PLUS A whole lot of dog food, and puppy hookers
Martin Scorsese wakes up from a bored haze and wins "Best Director," heightening my inclinations that maybe he could indeed win for Hugo, even in a year of The Descendants and The Artist. Scorsese thanks the HFPA for its work in film preservation, reminding us that the organization may not be a total sham after all. MINUS One more awkward acceptance speech from Michel Hazanavicius (the HARDEST name to speak of all time) and his (adorably) thick accent
Meryl Streep wins "Best Actress" for The Iron Lady. PLUS Five more discussions I'll have with people trying to prevent them from thinking 'Iron Lady' is actually a good movie
Meryl Streep forgets her glasses before she goes on stage. George Clooney retrieves them, who then hands them off to David Fincher (?!?). Fincher doesn't bother to go on stage, and give them to her. MINUS One potentially incredible moment in which Fincher television-bombs Meryl Streep
Ryan Gosling is a no-show to the awards, despite being nominated for two Globes, neither of them for Drive. Where was he instead? Shooting a boxing movie in Bangkok for Drive director Nicolas Winding Refn called Only God Forgives. PLUS Another reason as to why Ryan Gosling is a real hero and a real badass, even if he used to croon to swoon on "Mickey Mouse Club"
Harvey Weinstein, not carrying a machine gun and skull-covered clothing, is called "The Punisher" by a handful of Weinstein people who all giggle nervously about the torture they're about to be subject to. And then Meryl Streep calls him "God" in the same award show. Can't wait to see Jessica Chastain play him in a biopic in ten years. PLUS $250 Million I'm going to earn with this amazing idea
George Clooney walks on stage with a cane, making fun of Brad Pitt's latest accessory. And then he thanks Michael Fassbender for being naked in Shame. Look at the stars! They makes jokes about Fassbender's penis too! PLUS An endless amount of happy memories of Ocean's Eleven, Ocean's Twelve, and Ocean's Thirteen ... and maybe one or two of Shame
Aside from watching William H. Macy harmonize with some other person from television I don't recognize, the Golden Globes were pretty bland this year. MINUS Three hours of the exciting slow-motion train wreck that was last year's Oscars