The Three Musketeers Directed by: Paul W.S. Anderson Starring: Logan Lerman, Matthew Macfayden, Ray Stevenson, Luke Evans, Milla Jovovich, Orlando Bloom Rating: Not Yet Rated Release Date: October 14, 2011
TRAILER SCORE: 4/10
Thoughts by TSR: It's the Three Musketeers of this decade! Wooooo! And once they frack it up, which they inevitably will, we shall be forced to wait until 2020+ for the next whimpering attempt. The Three Musketeers is so done to death that the only way to revitalize it and make it even mildly interesting would be to get big movie stars to play our dashing protagonists. Enter Logan Lerman, who blew our minds with his riveting performance in both 3:10 to Yuma and The Number 23...er, wait. No, actually he's pretty forgettable. I just checked out his picture thirty seconds ago and all I could tell you now was that he has darkish hair. If Logan Lerman mugged me, I'd have no chance of picking him out of a lineup.
Paul W.S. Anderson was behind the Resident Evil movies, and I loved those. Honestly, I think 3D worked well for Resident Evil: Afterlife, but I think touting The Three Musketeers as 3D is kinda hilarious. How about Lord of the Flies in 3D or As I Lay Dying in 3D? I demand all my beloved classics in 3D, because if the movie isn't inventing scenarios to throw things at my face, I can't be entertained.
Oh, and let's just disregard that The Three Musketeers appears to be Resident Evil in tights and a powdered wig and now we have Milady De Winter kicking lots o' ass. And, heck, I like ridiculous, mindless movies; maybe I'll change my tune.
Or maybe I'll just rant even louder. Is it a bad sign that Orlando Bloom is probably their biggest draw and he's listed WAY down in the credits? Methinks 'tis, Milord.