Dear John Directed by: Lasse Hallström Starring: Channing Tatum, Amanda Seyfried Rating: PG-13 Release Date: February 5, 2010

TRAILER SCORE: 2/10

MY THOUGHTS: Yes, I'm picking on the socially inept kid no one likes--or essentially I am, since having a horror aficionado respond to this trailer is just asking for buckets of vomit. That, coincidentally, was the working title for Dear John and all other screenplays based on Nicholas Sparks novels. If you don't gag when you watch this trailer, you dot your i's with cute little hearts and can't see the god-awful sexism in Cinderella. Don't worry, there's still a place for you in the world. We need someone to braid flowers into their hair and dance around in the rain--I guess. You're basically a full-grown smurf, but you can't help that.

Dear John is slated for February, the infamous month dreaded by married men and loathed by single women everywhere. No one probably cares that the trailer has "he dies horribly" written all over it, because apparently that's romantic. One question: why the love song sung by The Chipmunks at the end? Seems like an odd choice.

If only it were possible to blog on pink scented paper, because then you could give me heart-shaped bullet points about why Nicholas Sparks is just gravy and I'm a soulless curmudgeon. Go play with your unicorn dolls.