Chernobyl Diaries
Directed by: Bradley Parker
Starring: Jesse McCartney, Jonathan Sadowski, Olivia Dudley
Running Time: 1 hr 30 mins
Rating: R
Release Date: May 25, 2012
PLOT: Idiots hire an "extreme" tour guide to show them around the city of Pripyat, which was abandoned after the Chernobyl disaster. Oblivious to a long string of bad omens, the idiots find themselves trapped in Pripyat with a host of mutant creatures.
WHO'S IT FOR? Really forgiving horror fans.
EXPECTATIONS: Bradley Parker was the digital artist on Fight Club, and Chernobyl Diaries was produced by Orin Peli (Paranormal Activity) so we were on the right track.
SCORECARD (0-10)
ACTORS: Jonathan Sadowski as Paul: Paul is the cocky a**hole who convinces everyone to do the stupid tour in the first place. He is the closest we come to anything resembling a distinct personality. Sadowski overplays his hand from scene to scene, which acts as a constant reminder that he's just pretending. The rest of them blend together into one big forgettable ball of bleh. Score: 3
Jesse McCartney as Chris: Chris, we dub thee King Stupid, for you are the stupidest in all the land. It doesn't matter who played this character because we'd never like him. Although, it doesn't help anything that Jesse McCartney has a baby face and that makes anything he does seem pip-squeaky. Score: 1
Olivia Dudley as Natalie: Dudley is pretty, but another subpar actor. The only thing that makes her even slightly noticeable is her shiny blond locks, and even then you'll probably spend most of the movie forgetting which is Natalie and which is Amanda. The names don't matter. They are all just mutant fodder anyway. Score: 1
Devin Kelley as Amanda: Amanda is the intellectual photographer. That's it. There is a brief mention of her breaking up with someone and being sad, but other than that, nothing. You'll know her as "that brunette with the camera." Score: 2
TALKING: When someone isn't screaming, "What was THAT?" the dialogue is tedious. But, then again, it would be if you stuffed six morons into one malfunctioning van and then watched them panicking and bonking into each other. Score: 1
SIGHTS: The setting is so cool and creepy. It's the only aspect of Chernobyl Diaries that can sort of redeem the rest of the loud, jumbled slop. It's filmed with a handheld camera, so expect lots of bouncing and mild to severe motion sickness post-flick. Score: 7
SOUNDS: Nothing unique or spectacular or complementary to the rest of the film. At the same time, it's not a huge distraction, and with something this tangled, you have to find all the silver linings you can. On a more positive note, it was very gruesome and effective to watch a character listening to someone else being munched on by a mutant. Score: 4
PLOT SPOILERS
BEST SCENE: For the first time writing movie reviews, I'm not sure there is one. There were scary moments, but those were all offset by the painfully inept characters...nope. Drawing a blank.
ENDING: Incredibly dumb. Not dumb enough to fill you with indignant rage, but with just the right amount of dumbness to have you questioning how those screenwriters got paid for this.
QUESTIONS: Why is it called Chernobyl Diaries? It's a complete misnomer. Why would you spend good money to have a stranger take you in a rickety van to a place that, if you stay there too long, you die of radioactive poisoning? Why not a nice resort with a kid-friendly atmosphere and a sizable pool?
REWATCHABILITY: No. There are no hidden layers or surprising twists or anything else that would justify a second viewing. If it was the only entertainment available, you wouldn't watch it again. You'd nap or stare at the wall.
OVERALL
This is one of the more predictable, clichéd horror movies I've seen in a long, long time. It's surprising how easy it is to know what's coming. And what's coming is a plethora of tired plot devices including, but not limited to: sabotaged vehicle; crucial character getting wounded and having other people refuse to leave him/her to find help; the artsy photography woman who takes pictures of everything, and when those pictures have ominous things in them, she doesn't show anyone; falling into spooky water; the traumatized person who can't talk or help or do anything except be a burden on everyone else; and sketchy, faceless military operations.
But the atmosphere is truly awesome, which makes the whole experience sort of confusing. By all accounts, this should be a much better movie. It's a spooky idea, it's an ideal setting for a horror movie, and technology-wise the industry can do wonders with special effects. The amazing location clashes with the antics of the bumbling dimwits -- like the low IQ version of the Scooby Gang -- so you can't gauge a reaction from one scene to the next. Sure the acting is mediocre and the characters have zero survival instincts, but the location! The LOCATION!
Oh, and by the way, the title Chernobyl Diaries is stupid. It hints at another "lost footage" mockumentary-style movie, but it's just a standard movie. It sounds cool, but it doesn't fit. That pisses me off, because I can actually picture the screenwriters churning out this dreck and trying on different titles to see which one sounds the best: Two Nights in Chernobyl, Chernobyl Massacre, Those Darn Mutants...
FINAL SCORE: 4/10