The Virginity Hit Directed by: Huck Botko, Andrew Gurland Cast: Matt Bennett, Zach Pearlman, Jacob Davich, Justin Kline, Nicole Weaver Running Time: 1 hr 35 min Rating: R Release Date: September 24, 2010

PLOT: Four friends decide to chronicle when each loses their virginity. The documentary-style film kicks into high gear when Matt (Bennett) can't lose his virginity to save his life.

WHO'S IT FOR? Chronically immature men of below average intelligence.

EXPECTATIONS: Zilch.

SCORECARD (0-10)

ACTORS:

Matt Bennett as Matt: Bennett isn't quirky and adorable like Michael Cera in Juno; He isn't dark and cerebral like Jason Schwartzman in Rushmore; and he isn't mouthwatering like Zac Efron in High School Musical. If you're a young, unknown actor it's important to fall into one of those three categories. No one wants to go on a journey with a totally nondescript teenager with no personality - it feels like purgatory. It's not bad enough to call it outright hell, but it's definitely hanging out in boring limbo for 90 minutes. Score: 1

Zach Pearlman as Zach: Pearlman is a living, breathing ginger straight out of South Park. He has red hair and that variety of teenage evil streak masquerading as harmless shenanigans: the perfect ginger. And maybe if Pearlman were even a little bit funny or smart or interesting or even slightly likable, it could've worked. He's not an all-out sociopath, because at least that would've been something. Like everything else about the movie, he's just boring, but unlike Bennett who you kind of, sort of like sometimes, Pearlman is an obnoxious ass. A boring, obnoxious ass. Score: 1

Jacob Davich and Justin Kline as Jacob and Justin: It's hard to differentiate between these two, because the movie doesn't really pay much attention to them. At the same time, they are relatively unoffensive and comparatively pleasant, like white noise. Score: 2

Nicole Weaver as Nicole: Nicole is a little cutie-pie and it seems weird that she's so gaga over Matt when he's kind of a milquetoast turd. Be that as it may, the movie doesn't know what to do with her, because the writers perceive all teenage girls as passive, fickle, and a bit bird-brained. That's okay, though: I'm not about to fly any angry feminist flags, because the writers also perceive all teenage boys as parasitic and amoral. Score: 2

TALKING: The movie is both scripted and improvised, which is by design. Except the script is boring blah and the actors don't have a knack for improvisation. The worst part is these guys think they're awesome at it, so you wait and wait for something genuinely funny until you've wasted more than an hour of your short, precious mortality. Worst line ever? "I'm going to do for your virginity what Alfred Hitchcock did for birds." Ha ha ha...wait, what? Score: 1

SIGHTS: There is nothing creative or interesting about the way The Virginity Hit presents itself. I was compelled to keep watching because I was so uncomfortable and appalled, like I was watching slow-mo clips of dudes getting repeatedly hit in the balls. Score: 2

SOUNDS: This movie only earns itself a three because it made the incredibly wise decision to use an Arctic Monkeys song. Besides a few other tepid picks for the score, it's mostly just repulsive, dull teenagers philosophizing about sex, drugs and life. Score: 3

PLOT SPOILERS

BEST SCENE: The scene I liked the most was an extra little blurb stuck away in the end credits. Are you feeling me? My most enjoyable scene was an afterthought by the filmmakers.

ENDING: Stupid and gross, just like the whole rest of the movie. So, at least it's consistent.

QUESTIONS: Wouldn't it be great if we could legally neuter these people so they couldn't add their genetic two-cents to an already tenuous humanity?

REWATCHABILITY: Sure! Under the right circumstances. For example, if I was quadriplegic and I had no choice, or if I was the lone survivor in a nuclear apocalypse and The Virginity Hit was my lone source of entertainment, or if someone paid me a thousand dollars cash to watch it.

OVERALL

Yuck. I know teenage boys like this exist because I went to high school with them and even then I wondered, "Who would ever willingly touch you without full hazmat gear?" And now I get to spend quality time with these idiots, except they're bigger than life-size: Attack of the 50-foot Morons.

Bad things happen to these characters and they unfailingly do something equally bad in response. This means you can't even root for anyone or feel any slight satisfaction watching them "get their revenge." Here's an exaggerated example to give you an idea of what I'm talking about: say you're watching a movie about a bully who traps the hero's pet kitten and cuts its head off. So, the hero responds by trapping the bully's pet dog and setting it on fire, before he then goes on to murder the bully's entire family. At what point during this entire transaction do you actually think, "Yay! Just desserts!"

Matt's alcoholic father screws him over, so Matt and his friends destroy the father's last remaining possession. Yay! Matt's girlfriend was allegedly unfaithful, so Matt and his friends decide to trick her and humiliate her in the worst way imaginable. Yay! No one in this movie is smart or noble or funny or reasonable or anything you'd ever want to watch. Heck, if they did potentially fatal stunts like the dudes in Jackass, then their utter lack of intelligence, morality, or charisma would be forgivable. I'd happily watch these characters get shot out of cannons or dropped in a shark tank, but no. It's a slice o' life with unlikeable, unremarkable cretins.

FINAL SCORE: 2/10