Diary of a Wimpy Kid Directed by: Thor Freudenthal Cast: Zachary Gordon, Robert Capron, Rachael Harris, Steve Zahn Running Time: 1 hr 30 min Rating: PG Release Date: March 19, 2010

PLOT: Based on the best-selling illustrated novel by Jeff Kinney, this film chronicles the adventures of a smart-mouthed middle school student named Greg Heffley (Gordon), who must survive his new environment.

WHO'S IT FOR? Darned good question. It's supposed to be a family comedy.

EXPECTATIONS: I've seen the book around bookstores and thought it looked very cute. I thought maybe it would translate nicely into a movie. Cue dramatic music as I stroll blindly, cheerfully, toward the big pothole.

SCORECARD (0-10)

ACTORS:

Zachary Gordon as Greg Heffley: What you have here is an unextraordinary actor playing an unlikable character. It's difficult to graph how uninteresting this is without going into specifics like 1/1,000,000 of a point or .00000000009 to the nth degree. I would need time and a lot of very complicated equations to really gauge the dullness of it. Zachary Gordon deftly avoids any skill or cuteness in all his scenes, and he's playing a kid who is needlessly vain and selfish. How does that spell good fun in anyone's book? Score: 2

Robert Capron as Rowley: Capron can't act either, but he's playing a genuinely nice, likable person. Rowley is stubbornly and sweetly individualistic no matter who mocks him or what happens, and he's the one playing second fiddle to a boring, conformist boy? Who cares about the mediocre kid with the spinning moral compass, when we have Rowley, who could give a flying hoot what anyone else thinks, and keeps his soul intact without even trying? Rowley should have been the star of this movie, because it reinforces that you can be your nice, nerdy, true self and still breeze by just fine in this world. Score: 4

Steve Zahn as Frank Heffley: I love Steve Zahn. When you let him wander into wacky, he's great. When you give him a sub-par script that is content just letting the parents be props for their lousy, boring kid, then you keep waiting for him to be funny. "Oh, please say something funny," you say whenever Zahn is in the scene, and then it peters out and nothing really happens and you sigh and feel disappointed and wait until the next time. Score: 4

Rachael Harris as Susan Heffley: Rachael Harris has a natural, busy, no-nonsense way about her that makes her the ideal mom/wife in a comedy. Like Zahn, she doesn't really have any "funny" lines per se, but she's better able to work with what little she's given. I did appreciate the scene between Susan and her older son, Roderick (Devon Bostick) after Susan finds a girly magazine in his backpack and confronts him in front of his band. She's trying to teach him to respect women and keep her feminist rage in check, and it gives us almost a minute of something that's actually amusing. Score: 4

TALKING: There are two funny lines in the whole movie and they are nowhere near each other. The first belongs to Roderick, ("There is no timeout, only death") and the second is a well-timed, one word answer said in the background of a scene. Otherwise, characters talk pretty inconsistently, either saying something that is too smart or too dumb for who they supposedly are, and dialogue that isn't that wretched gets chewed up in rampant over-acting. Score: 2

SIGHTS: Juxtaposing the simple cartoon drawings with live action sequences was enjoyable, but I think we've focused enough on the rotting piece of Swiss cheese out in the playground. I'm sure the fetid cheese was pivotal in the books and maybe it was even funny. Somehow, magically, the movie manages to strangle every last remaining shred of originality from the story. Score: 3

SOUNDS: There were a handful of pop songs, the sort that are catchy but vanish off everyone's radar five minutes later. Score: 3

PLOT SPOILERS

BEST SCENE: There were two scenes that I really liked. The first was when everyone had to watch the "It's Awesome Being Me!" educational video to teach kids about self-esteem, and the second was when Rowley and his mom are getting their groove on to "Intergalactic" by The Beastie Boys at the Mother-Son Dance.

ENDING: So...we're not going to resolve the issue of the three, truck-bound bullies who are clearly unsafe around kids? And, that's Greg learning his lesson, is it? He doesn't tell the truth to help out a friend, but then he LIES to help out a friend, and that's now considered noble?

QUESTIONS: Why does the formula call for us to follow around the average kid? I get that we want to watch him grow/evolve/whatever, but--and here's a crazy thought--why not focus on the exceptional kids, like Rowley (whose identity is solid and unshakable) or Chloe (cool, smart, alterna-chick who writes for the newspaper)? Why not put the creative, smart kids forward as healthy role models instead of tagging along after colorless Joe Q. Public?

REWATCHABILITY: Never ever never for as long as I shall remain in this mortal coil, unless I must do so at the behest of a terrorist cell who will kill my friends and family otherwise.

OVERALL

Picture that big dim guy at the party--you know, the one who smells slightly offensive, but it's not egregious enough to justify saying anything--and now encourage him to tell a joke that you know and enjoy. Maybe you don't know the specifics of this particular joke, but you've heard jokes like it and you know that, if done correctly, it can be funny and good times will be had by all. Fifteen minutes later, after dim guy has wandered around and botched the finer points, he gets to the end and realizes that he's forgotten the punchline. How do you feel? A bit like you just wasted your time on something that had potential, because other people pulled it off? Maybe a little angry?

I like kids movies. You want to know a phenomenal kid's movie? Goonies or Toy Story or The Princess and the Frog or Ponyo or any of the numerous, QUALITY kid's movies out there, each with its own solid plot and collection of actual actors. I disliked Shorts because it was dumb and mean, but I'd watch Shorts again on my boyfriend's giant, HD TV before I'd ever watch Diary of a Wimpy Kid. If you are a parent, and you have been lobotomized by watching these sorts of idiotic movies, I feel badly for you, but don't give me speeches about how stupid, worthless kid's movies are good clean fun and I can't see it from the perspective of a kid. Bullcrap. First of all, kids aren't picky--when I was a kid, I ate a housefly out of curiosity. So maybe little kids will like it because it's an outing and they get to eat snacks and someone gets chased around with a booger. That's not to say you should spend your money on it or encourage your kids to view this lazy, selfish little superficialite as anything other than a waste of air and space.

FINAL SCORE: 3/10