The Crazies Directed by: Breck Eisner Cast: Timothy Olyphant, Radha Mitchell, Joe Anderson Running Time: 2 hrs 5 min Rating: R Release Date: February 26, 2010

PLOT: A chemical used for biochemical warfare is inadvertently released into the water supply of a small, Aw-Shucks Iowa town and the afflicted go batty.

WHO'S IT FOR? I'd say if you like horror or disaster movies, OR you're a conspiracy theorist who's sure the government is made up of secretive psychopaths, you'll dig The Crazies.

EXPECTATIONS: I thought I'd have fun with it, because I like the premise and I like the actors.

SCORECARD (0-10)

ACTORS:

Timothy Olyphant as David Dutton: Who knows if I'd like Timothy Olyphant so darned much if he weren't so purty. He's long and lean and slightly crazy-eyed, but it all adds to his charm. It's difficult to believe that someone who looks exactly like a male model has decided to be a small town sheriff in a tiny town in Iowa, so there's that. Fortunately, Olyphant is in so much peril so much of the time, the movie doesn't give you time to do a much needed double-take. Score: 7

Radha Mitchell as Judy Dutton: Ever since Silent Hill Ms. Mitchell has had a place in my heart. She's tough and scrawny and attractive without the glam, and it's nothing new to watch her kicking ass. She also isn't as sore-thumbish as Olyphant in terms of looking a teeny bit like someone who could live in a small town. Do you buy that they are hubby and wifey? Well, if the carnage slowed down for a few seconds, you might have time to think about it. Score: 7

Joe Anderson as Russell Clark: Anderson is the only one of the bunch who actually looks small town. He's the most believable and he lends some of that credibility to Olyphant, because the two of them are together for most of the movie. And the chemistry between Anderson and Olyphant is more believable than between Olyphant and Mitchell, which leads me to conclude that the movie would have been slightly better if it had been "two buddies against the world." Again, there's way too much happening to spend a lot of time worrying about it. Score: 7

TALKING: There are some really fun lines in The Crazies. I thought the script was solid and surprising. Obviously, it's not going to rake in Oscars and there is a fair share of yelping, screaming, moaning, and begging--that's to be expected. But a few of the lines were perfect for the action and overall tone of particular scenes. I'd recreate my favorite line here, but to do so would require so much backstory and build-up that I'd ruin a twenty-minute chunk of movie. Score: 7

SIGHTS: Maybe I'm just too easy to please, or it could be my inner demons, but I love scenic catastrophe in films. And what The Crazies does that is so fun and so thrilling is that it consistently tops itself in the "getting worse" department. There is always something more gruesome and disastrous around the bend. At times the actual crazy people get a little too close to zombie territory and the degenerative disease itself is nothing new, but the rapid disintegration of human civility is wonderful. And the juxtaposition of happy small town with a violent mad house is like Mayberry on PCP. Score: 8

SOUNDS: The music is meant to be tongue-in-cheek, because it's old-fashioned and sentimental. So picture Gene Kelly in Singing in the Rain, except it's viscera instead of rain and the backdrop is on fire. Score: 8

PLOT SPOILERS

BEST SCENE: Man, my best scene was good. It's the big reveal, the scene where you realize what a bunch of soulless goat-f*ckers are behind the mayhem. I'd hint at more, but it's deliciously disturbing--I'll let you stagger into it unawares, like I did.

ENDING: Up until the ending, I minded the scene cuts to high-tech black-ops military surveillance, because I thought it was dumb and sophomoric. In fact, it was basically my only irritation. The end makes it all okay, though. All is forgiven.

QUESTIONS: Why even have characters in horror movies wander off by themselves anymore? By virtue of modernity, even fictional characters would have seen fictional horror movies and thought to themselves, "Not I. I wouldn't be such a moron."

REWATCHABILITY: Definitely.

OVERALL

I love horror movies and I love disaster movies and The Crazies is one big, fun combination of the two. Obviously it's not going to win any awards and I'm not making the argument that it stands up next to a film such as Shutter Island--The Crazies isn't artful and it isn't classy and no one will sit around in over-stuffed chairs, drinking sophisticated coffee and wondering aloud about the hidden metaphor in the repetitious use of the color red. But it's a freakin' blast!

It's pure entertainment, fluffy and insubstantial and chock full of action and old-fashioned blood n' guts. I had to cover my eyes a few times and, yes, at times I found myself "on the edge of my seat." It's hard not falling into overused critic banter, but I did scoot forward in my seat. And the woman behind me was in a fit of screaming and frightened giggling, but to be honest, I did wonder if she was actually Amish and that was her first moving picture.

Regardless! If this genre is up your alley, then I whole-heartedly recommend it. I can't give it a perfect score, because that's reserved for blow-your-socks-right-off-your-feet Oscar contenders. What I CAN do is give it a score close to the one I gave Fast and Furious--both movies made me delirious with fluffy-film joy and I'll probably get just as much flack for The Crazies.

Who cares? I'm in charge here! If you're a tad more sensitive and you prefer thought-provoking period pieces where someone has a drinking problem and no one really speaks, because communication is vulgar, then go read Nick's review of The Crazies--as far as I know, he LOATHED IT.

But that's fine by us, right horror/disaster/fluffy movie fans? More seats for us.

FINAL SCORE: 7/10