Did You Hear About the Morgans?

Directed by: Marc Lawrence Cast: Sarah Jessica Parker, Hugh Grant, Sam Elliot, Mary Steenburgen Running Time: 1 hr 45 mins Rating: PG-13 Release Date: December 18, 2009

PLOT: After witnessing a murder, a recently separated couple (Grant and Parker) from New York City is sent to a small town in Wyoming and put under witness protection.

WHO'S IT FOR?: To get pulled into this disaster, it’s necessary to be a fan of the more tolerable work from either Hugh Grant or Sarah Jessica Parker. Still liking these actors after the movie can not be guaranteed as you leave the theatre. The happiest audience for this film might be Wilford Brimley’s groupies, or more directly, fans of big mustaches – Sam Elliot and Brimley seem to be competing on who can have the biggest face bush.

EXPECTATIONS: Grant and Parker have been funny in roles before that required a little urban neurosis. Would they have good chemistry together, or would their characters be too dysfunctional for their own good?

SCORECARD (0-10)

ACTORS:

Sarah Jessica Parker as Meryl Morgan: This woman loves New York, okay? She’s a proud Manhattanite with a Blackberry (Crack-berry) glued to her hand, while giving guilty city-liberal speeches with the other. These characteristics don’t make Meryl unlikeable as much as her frustrating stubbornness. Not only does she refuse to accept life in the country, but she also fails to offer any comic relief that could save the sinking ship that is Grant’s character. Score: 2

Hugh Grant as Paul Morgan: The once suave actor defies science by bombing like Nagasaki with jokes that are real duds. Paul Morgan always has his puppy eyes out, and we’re supposed to find him charming in a clumsy way. His sensitivity and failed wit is forced on the audience, and in turn he becomes extremely annoying. When he recites the marriage vows he once shared with his wife he offers us a gasp of sweetness, but then he returns to the suicidal business of being Mr. Zing. Score: 1

TALKING: Grant shoots out his dead one-liners as if he were still in some period piece (no, it’s not just the accent). Parker’s dialogue, especially when she's in Wyoming, usually consists of her annoyingly exclaiming her love for New York over any other place. ("I don't even like Connecticut," she arrogantly states). The best talkin’ might be done by Mary Steenburgen, who delivers a few wise words of advice on how couples can stay together. Score: 3

SIGHTS: Wilford Brimley hasn’t been in a movie for six years. And when considering movies the general public actually knows of, that bumps the record to about twelve. Here, his role is a bit beyond a cameo, but it’s an amusing sight (not one that demands to be seen) when the Liberty Medical guy stares angrily at Hugh Grant and says “This is a God fearin’ American county.” You go, dude-I-usually-see-in-between-"The Price Is Right"! Score: 3

SOUNDS: With Music and Lyrics, director Lawrence proved that he is able to make a good soundtrack. He doesn’t lose this skill here, as this new collection of songs includes Buddy Holly’s underrated “True Love Ways,” Bob Dylan, Queen, and the Allman Brothers. These tunes are a type of lifesaver that make this bad movie slightly tolerable, at least until its done burning itself to the ground. Score: 5

PLOT SPOILERS

BEST SCENE: When talking about making Brimley's character's will, Grant says "It was such a beautiful will he asked me to kill him." There, that's the only time I laughed, and since that joke has now been ruined, perhaps so are your sadistic temptations to watch this movie.

ENDING: “Did you hear about the Morgans? Yeah, no bloodshed, everyone's cool, but Wilford Brimley did have to aim a gun at someone."

QUESTIONS: This may be nitpicking, but did the scene in the jet really have to be that long?

REWATCHABILITY: In a few years time, I see myself returning to this movie and studying Hugh Grant’s facial expressions as he drops the worst zingers of '09. But it’s movies like these that have me envying the simple country folk who don’t know what’s playing in cinemas today.

OVERALL

This ineptly titled movie (the worst witness protection-related name since Witless Protection) is the kind of “comedy” with the kind of “humor” that not only fails to gain even a giggle, but it goes lower than that and gives its awkwardly silent audience a shivering sense of embarrassment. Knowing that Grant and Parker have seen better days, you start to feel bad for them. But with their characters, it’s a whole different story – there’s nothing adorable or endearing about these people, especially as we desperately try to put their relationship into the genre of “romantic comedy.” The Morgans are arrogant, naïve, and worst of all, lame. We don’t care about these two.

Assaults by wildlife are terrible events, sure. But here is a rare occasion where one is in order: If the Morgans actually got mauled by that bear, a genuine laugh would have signified we could at least feel something for them.

FINAL SCORE: 2/10