Armored Directed by: Nimrod Antal Cast: Columbus Short, Matt Dillon, Laurence Fishburne Running Time: 1 hr 30 mins Rating: PG-13 Release Date: December 4, 2009

PLOT: A tightly knit group of armored truck drivers (Dillon, Fishburne, etc.) plot to steal the $42 million dollars that they are in charge of transporting. An Iraqi War veteran (Short) new to the security guard brotherhood attempts to shut them down.

WHO'S IT FOR?: The cast is mostly older men, so that cuts a lot of demographics out easily. Of the remaining possible candidates, they have to be really forgiving of boring action movies to not regret this one.

EXPECTATIONS: This humdinger from the future director of the new Predator movie had been bumped around a few times. A revealing trailer began playing what seemed likely every film possible almost a year ago, with hope continually dwindling that this would be worth it.

SCORECARD (0-10)

ACTORS:

Columbus Short as Ty Hackett: In the dramatic scenes that put his character in a heartbreaking domestic quagmire, Short continues to be a fine actor when working with serious material (someone get him a good role, please!) In these moments we really understand Ty’s motivations to get mixed up in the evil scheme. But it is when the supposed hero becomes Bugs Bunny to the Elmer Fudd rogue security guards who are trying to stop him that Short’s performance becomes tainted, and ends up as standard as the rest. Score: 5

Matt Dillon as Mike Cochrone: Somehow this skeezy guy with the gruff voice and the sweet car becomes the head honcho of the group. He’s a tad manipulative as the lead bozo, but never once comes off as an intimidating bad guy. Dillon may look like the guy who jumps you in a dark alley, but here he’s the clown with a little gun who trips over his shoelaces (or drives himself into a ditch). Score: 4

Laurence Fishburne as Baines: The biggest clown of the film, he bellows a big jolly laugh at any joke made in the movie, as if he were completely oblivious to the existence of the “overcompensating with a big gun” philosophy. Everything is a big joke to Baines, which might explain why he can take a life with such ease despite being a damn security guard. Score: 2

TALKING: Baines tries to condescend to Ty by calling him “Soulja Boy" three times, but it doesn’t work. Why? Because it's stupid. Score: 3

SIGHTS: The cast seems to be a collection of weathered action stars who have seen better action movies (because they've starred in them). Jean Reno playing a small part is no big deal, but watching him, Fishburne, Dillon, and even Skeet Ulrich go down in this tanker is really disappointing. Score: 4

SOUNDS: Especially during "tense" moments, the score is mostly chugging guitars that alternate between two notes, but the strings played on top of them make the riffage affective. The most significant sound is that of a door hinge being hammered on. Should you actually see this movie, be prepared to hear steel hitting steel for about 30 minutes. Score: 4

OVERALL

Armored truck drivers are probably the last people you’d expect to pull a heist, which makes the premise of this film so appealing. However, this concept’s realization is similar to the actual robbery – it’s a clumsy disaster.

Instead of dealing with the issues of abandoning ingrained loyalty, the movie prefers to think more about how it can fit regular blue-collar Joes into the shoes of one-dimension action villains. The concept backfires on the film because we don’t understand why they just decide to abandon their duty, and also because the action that precedes it is pretty boring. While Ty goes rogue from the “bad guys” and attempts to keep them from their precious cargo, the group of guards put on the clown shoes and bumble straight on with their scheme even when things are past the point of no return. Especially after the Reservoir Dogs-cop-joins-the-party twist, why don't you just go home? The second half of the film takes place in a steel mill, which would serve as a good location for some claustrophobic drama, were some tension actually present. Instead, the film insists on sticking with its drab settings and uninteresting characters, and hopes that hearts will pump faster because some old men are trying to get a whippersnapper out of a truck. This might work if we knew what was at stake, but the film fails to even reveal how much jail time a person serves for stealing $42 million dollars.

Even as a brainless action movie filled with testosterone and big steel trucks, Armored doesn’t get the job done.

FINAL SCORE: 4/10