Ninja Assassin Directed by: James McTeigue Cast: Rain, Naomie Harris Running Time: 1 hr 35 min Rating: R Release Date: November 25, 2009

PLOT: After a hardened Ninja (Rain) refuses to kill for the boss, he is ostracized from the clan and hunted by his former brothers.

WHO'S IT FOR? Fans of martial arts movies, and we're talking old school, 1970's style blood n' guts.

EXPECTATIONS: It has to be dumb with a name like Ninja Assassin, because it's trying way too hard. It's like naming a movie Kick Ass Cowboys or Machete B*tch (dibs).

SCORECARD (0-10)

ACTORS: Rain as Raizo: Rain's real name is Ji Hun Jeong, but you have to have a lead actor that's as obnoxiously glitzy as Ninja Assassin. So, I guess when I finally get around to making Machete B*tch, I'll have to cast someone with a stage name like Razor or Sunrise. Jeong, excuse moi, RAIN is...how to say...pretty. Hot. Sexy. Like we turned Angelina Jolie into a dude and a black belt. When he isn't performing incredible athletic feats, he's giving us pouty, full-lipped looks from under a hank of black tresses. I'm only human... Score: 9

Naomie Harris as Mika: Harris is cool. Remember her turn as the Voodoo priestess Tia Dalma in Pirates of the Carribean? Need I say more? Cool, right? So maybe you'll understand it when I say if you get anyone other than Harris in this part, Mika is a big nothing. She becomes that daft, whimpering female who gets herself in stupid trouble and requires macho saving. Harris keeps Mika away from this horrible fate, which always pleases me. Score: 8

TALKING: The script does its job, which is to get us from point A to point B, and yes, both points involving ultra violent ninja fights. It's a flimsy excuse to revel in muscular athletes, who flip around in slow motion and bury their katana in someone's eye socket; but at least it tries to present a story of sorts, with the plausibility on the side, thanks. Score: 6

SIGHTS: The fighting was beautifully choreographed--nowhere near Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon or Hero, but still an eye-popper nonetheless. And I might have droned on and on about what an impressive martial artist Rain is, except he doesn't even hold a candle to Tony Jaa in Ong-Bak. Despite his lack of Tony Jaaishness, Rain is gorgeous, strong, and supernaturally fit, so still lots of fun. Score: 8

SOUNDS: HI-YA! As expected. I'm always irritated when a movie has its Asian characters on locale, speaking English with Asian accents just to remind us they're foreign, without just spending the few extra bucks on subtitles. Score: 6

PLOT SPOILERS

BEST SCENE: I don't want to go too much into it for a couple of reasons: A. It'll give it away and; B. It reveals a bit too much of my own spooky pathology. Let's just say it involves an army of Ninjas and an army of special forces and throw a versus in there somewhere. What took us so long?

ENDING: Okay, go with the metaphor. I was hoping for some eighties style lovin' between Harris and Rain (remember the prolonged sex in Terminator? Along those lines), but if you have to take a stab at ponderous, go ahead.

QUESTIONS: Why no sex? Harris and Rain were close to combustion whenever they shared a scene and we couldn't have shoehorned in an excuse for tongue? If you can chop a guy's face in half, you can give us some gratuitous lovin'.

REWATCHABILITY: After a long, bad day, when you've been calm and rational despite everyone else acting like a raving fruit bat, it's nice to settle in with a nice, comforting movie like Ninja Assassin. Pour yourself a little hot coco...

OVERALL

Perhaps this is a mild form of sadomasochism, but I would've liked this movie broken into two parts. There is so much back story, it lends itself to a thoughtful prequel, and then you can have just oodles of empty violence in the next one. Too many flashbacks, especially when you don't have that much substance and the movie is anxious to get to its next smackdown. There are two major plot lines in Ninja Assassin, and they smushed them together into one movie when it would've been better served by two. Have all the Young Raizo going through Ninja bootcamp scenes you want in Ninja Assassin: The Early Years; then you can concentrate on Ninja Assassin: The Revenge.

Obviously, I shouldn't stray into pedantry when I'm talking about a movie called Ninja Assassin--although it's darned funny. Maybe I should try for more pretension, a la, "Ninja Assassin presents a dialogue betwixt the past and the present, but the dichotomy is slipshod and the film itself fails to gain a substantial foothold in the story's terrain."

Okay, so here it is: do ya like keen martial arts and lotsa gore? If I were to say razor sharp silver claw at the end of a retractable chain, would you think to yourself, hey neato! Have you ever jumped out at someone and yelled "I'm a freakin' ninja, man!" in their face? (me neither) Then you'll do just fine in Ninja Assassin.

FINAL SCORE: 7/10