2012

Directed by: Roland Emmerich Cast: John Cusack, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Amanda Peet, Oliver Platt, Thandie Newton, Danny Glover, Woody Harrelson Running Time: 2 hrs 38 mins Rating: PG-13 Release Date: November 13, 2009

PLOT: The world is about to end. Turns out the Mayans were right. A select few people are in on the ground work of saving the human race, while others, like Jackson Curtis (Cusack), are trying to desperately save their families from the mass destruction of the entire planet.

WHO'S IT FOR? This film doesn't even allow you to turn off your brain. Just like 10,000 BC and The Day After Tomorrow there are enough head-scratching moments, if you want to laugh at the film. But If all you live for is special effects, I can't stop you from seeing this.

EXPECTATIONS: Who doesn't love John Cusack? Not me. I don't not love Cusack. Plus, I'm a big fan of Ejiofor and Peet, so I thought as long as ... wait a minute, how long is this movie? What the hell?

SCORECARD (0-10)

ACTORS: John Cusack as Jackson: It's sad. They spend hours, OK, maybe just hour building up the big destruction of the Earth that we all know is coming. I assume the goal is for us to care for Jackson. But there are no emotions attached to his ex-husband character who's trying to be a good dad. The only reason we care is because no one wants Lloyd Dobbler to die. He's better than most in this role, but what they give him to work with simply doesn't work. Score: 5

Chiwetel Ejiofor as Adrian: If they didn't give Cusack enough, they just handed Ejiofor the wrong stuff. Humanity? Moving in on the President's daughter? Constantly getting his stats of destruction messed up? Yeah, I don't want to root for this guy. Ejiofor remains one of my favorite bad guys ever in the under-the-radar film Serenity. He'll move past this role. After all, Jake Gyllenhaal didn't get hurt my The Day After Tomorrow. Wait, am I being sarcastic? Score: 3

Oliver Platt as Carl: Villain? I don't think so. This is my hero. He is logical (and correct) about every single decision he makes. If the Earth is going to crumble, we need men like Carl to be put in charge to make the tough choices. Score: 6

Rest of Cast: The President has a lisp. Danny Glover has developed a lisp and the first time I heard it was Shooter. I am not alone right? Come on people, join me in my cry! Amanda Peet doesn't have her usual charm or wit. A big Russian (Zlatko Buric) needs subtitles. Woody Harrelson proves that crazy can be great in films like Zombieland or just a waste like he is hear. Score: 3

TALKING: Remember how annoying it was when Star Wars introduced midi-chlorian counts? Well, 2012 has neutronics. Even though neutronics feel made up, they are real ... but really all the film needed to say was, "a chunk has blown up from the sun, it can't be stopped, and it will destroy the Earth." There, that just saved 40 minutes. And count up how many times a serious moment is supposed to take place while on the cell phone, it's staggering. Score: 2

SIGHTS: Yes, the special effects are good. But it has the feel of a video game or amusement park ride instead of a movie. I was trying to hit the B button but nothing ever happened. I know some of you just thought that was a compliment. But without the proper story elements, escaping these situations just looks laughable instead of intense. Score: 6

SOUNDS: The earthquakes rumble like a beast out of Jurassic Park, and the score let's you know when you are supposed to care, but you really don't. That's not the sounds fault. Score: 5

PLOT SPOILERS

BEST SCENE: Technically, it's the first time they barely escape in an airplane. That's right people, we get more than one "oh my god the Earth is falling below them, I don't think they can possibly make it" plane take-offs.

ENDING: The little girl doesn't need pull-ups anymore. Well, I guess everything will be all right after all. But wait, 27 days? That's it? Heck, Wilson the volleyball and I could have made a raft that could have survived that.

QUESTIONS: Really? You want to reference Princess Diana dying and also show Asians being put into relocation camps? Look, if you are going to make us popcorn we are supposed to enjoy, don't add these things to the mix. And I can't help but think someone would have explained to the President that he had no choice in the matter and was forced to join the rest of the party.

REWATCHABILITY: No. But if you are going to see it no matter what, choose the theater or a really big TV, cause the disasters are all this film has going for it.

OVERALL

Train wreck. Car wreck. Plane wreck. Boat wreck. Please tell me you've picked up on the common theme here people. It's a wreck. The odds of Jackson Curtis and his family surviving the way that they did is about 0.001 percent. But since they keep surviving, there's nothing nerve racking about these situations. Yet somehow instead of just watching people try to survive, we are dealt moral dilemmas like survival of the fittest (richest) and what exactly is cruelty. It's sloppy. To top it off, the running time should have been cut in half. 2012 is a disaster, just not the kind it is hoping for.

FINAL SCORE: 3/10