Couples Retreat Directed by: Peter Billingsley Cast: Vince Vaughn, Malin Akerman, Jon Favreau, Kristin Davis, Jason Bateman, Kristen Bell, Faizon Love Running Time: 1 hr 45 mins Rating: PG-13 Release Date: October 9th, 2009

PLOT: Four couples attempt to work on their relationship problems at a resort made specifically for pairs in Bora Bora.

WHO'S IT FOR? The dating crowd that likes their comedies to ... well ... suck.

EXPECTATIONS: An especially funny trailer had me expecting that this packed cast could work together efficiently in providing some natural laughs.

SCORECARD (0-10)

ACTORS: Vince Vaughn as Dave: Fear not, Vaughn doesn't dare to step outside of the box that continues to limit his comedic potential. His motor-mouth is still zooming at 100 mph, and is still shooting in the dark for some funny, unexpected line. The only time he succeeded? His delivery of a corny pick up line. Score: 3

Jon Favreau as Joey: He works better with Vaughn than he does his with on-screen wife Kristin Davis. Like in I Love You, Man, he's grumpy, but far too bitter to be funny. Difficult to find humor in a guy who is completely turned off by his wife, especially when he can't even have "alone time with himself." Score: 3

Jason Bateman as Jason: The "Arrested Development" star has fit nicely into tight situations in the past, but the concept of him playing the actually anxious person in question doesn't work as well. As the desperate husband of Cynthia, Bateman finds a way to portray the guy who needs to relax with too much stiffness. Score: 3

Kristen Bell as Cynthia: She's as little fun as her husband, and her background takes part in making her relationship the most saddening. She is given a lot of dramatic weight, and no comic relief to loosen things up. Not much of a performance issue, but that of a character constructed with too many inescapable defects. Score: 2

TALKING: The character Trudy can't speak one sentence of English, and makes it her duty to deliver every line at an ear-piercing whine. The women always seem to console each other by saying, "Aw, honey!", as if that's the only way they know how to communicate. The line "I don't like you - I love you" is certainly whipped out at the end. Argh. I will keep trying to pretend that screenwriters aren't fully aware of these things when they put the final touches on their scripts. Score: 3

SIGHTS: Favreau’s character has it right when he remarks that the resort "looks like a screen-saver," because yes, the movie was actually filmed in Bora Bora. There’s a really cheesy opening credit sequence, and as schmaltzy it is, it can probably be the considered the most sincere moment in a film that rarely has a true “love” muscle in its body. Score: 5

SOUNDS: Billy Squier's "Lonely Is the Night" makes an appearance in an entire scene that is shamelessly dedicated to the video game "Guitar Hero." A.R Rahman, an Oscar winning composer who scored Slumdog Millionaire, makes an odd choice to add his talent to this disposable flick, with music that certainly doesn't have the gusto or specialty of that previous work. Score: 4

PLOT SPOILERS

BEST SCENE: Throughout the movie there are a few dashes of what one could consider helpful couples advice, the pinnacle coming from a rant that Vaughn should probably trademark – something I’ll call “The Applebee’s Speech.”

ENDING: The couples hit their problems head on when they find themselves at a singles resort.

QUESTIONS: Aside from Favreau and Vaughn, how did these guys become friends?

REWATCHABILITY: No thanks.

OVERALL

Especially with every funny line spoiled by the trailer, the experience of Couples Retreat is a total downer. It’s difficult to pinpoint the film’s exact personality problem. Is it the lazy gag construction, the failed character arcs, or that the actors can't even pretend to have chemistry with one another? All main talent on screen have some previous experience in comedy, and are seen here playing up personas they built with better, previous scripts. Hell, even Faizon Love was funnier (and more naked) in the IMDB Bottom 250 classic Who’s Your Caddy?.

So speak many films about the fatal necessity of a couple’s communication. When a movie aims for a humorous angle of the various marital problems we may or may not encounter with the person we think is “the one,” it shouldn’t shortchange us with joke store guffaws a la Couples Retreat. We should not leave a proposed paradise of familiar funny faces with the similar laughing experience to that of a bleak European film that doesn’t have a happy ending. In the case of Couples Retreat, because I was not offered that warming comic solace promised amongst the frigid relationships of various, supposedly believable pairs, I can’t think of it as more than a depressing examination of once ecstatic couples who seemed to lose their spark when they forgot the importance of communication. Too much? Well, regardless of how one chooses to look at it, the problems of Couples Retreat seem quite beyond repair.

FINAL SCORE: 2/10