Surrogates Directed by: Jonathan Mostow Cast: Bruce Willis, Radha Mitchell, Rosamund Pike, Ving Rhames Running Time: 1 hr. 28 mins Rating: PG-13 Release Date: September 25, 2009

Plot: In a not-too-distant future, planet earth is virtually run by robots standing in for human beings. Though everything seems to be going smoothly, a (very) rare homicide throws the cybernetic utopia for a (very) unexpected loop. Answers are sought, but this time its the human instinct that's called upon to find them.

Who’s It For? Fans of Minority Report, and those who feels Bruce Willis is the player they'd most want with the ball and the game on the line... er... actor most suited to save the world.

Expectations: This film didn't look like an Oscar winner in its trailer, so I wasn't expecting a revolutionary tale regarding the oft-recycled premise of man v. machine. Still, there was some hope that Director Jonathan Mostow may provide an unexpected spark (or two) to the long-running Hollywood theory that robots and humans couldn't coexist in equal harmony.

SCORECARD (0-10)

Actors:

Bruce Willis as Greer: When you've made a career sneering your way through films where the odds are so heavily lined up against you you've derived cinematic shoulders of steel, it's difficult to argue over an escalating slew of multi-million-dollar paychecks. With rare exceptions (The Sixth Sense, The Story of Us, The Kid...), Willis has hardly been asked to display a biting range as an actor. In an ironic twist, he is more than called upon to do so here ... as a robot/human. You see, it's the humans that control their hallowed-out surrogates, and once Greer realizes that life is best lead as a flesh-and-blood person, his conscious goes full bore, and there are several scenes where we see America's favorite action hero attempt to weep over the reasons why this can't be. It's a tough act to swallow, and shouldn't receive any relative acclaim. Score: 2

Radha Mitchell as Peters: As Greer's second-in-command, Mitchell brings an attractively conniving surrogate to life, but her greasy, optimistic policewoman has a less than desirable fate. She's asked to do little more than Brad Pitt was playing death in Meet Joe Black, so objectively grading her performance would be like going hunting with a future father-in-law: You don't want to, because you think it's absolutely wrong, but entirely necessary in order to be accepted into the clan. Score: 3

Rosamund Pike as Maggie: OK, now here's a solid attempt at acting. For a film containing visual effects as stunning as Surrogates, the actors are more pawns in the game than those calling out "check mate." Pike's role bears a considerable amount of weight in this case. It becomes clear early on that she and Greer have lost a child, and it's thrown their relationship a significant curve. She's buried her feelings under a heap of pharmaceuticals, and channels any receding joy through living life as a robot. Once Greer realizes its the human condition he cares most about, he tries to convince her to come with him. She puts up a fight (through said surrogate), and ... look, I know it sounds confusing, but trust that Pike actually isn't bad at making sense of it. Best reason to watch this film, though that's not saying much. Score: 5

Ving Rhames as The Prophet: Do you ever notice how the more movies you go to, the easier it is to predict the plot twists the story's going to throw at you? If you don't, you'll absolutely love Rhames as the leader of the human resistance (or "dreads;" you'll see why... pretty obviously based on the folliclely-enhanced actor). Otherwise, get ready for a serious case of eye-rolling. This is the sort of roll you'll get wise to early on, and once the jig is up, it will be far-less satisfying than the director would have hope it had been for you. Rhames and Willis teamed up famously in Pulp Fiction, but this performance won't get the big guy back in Quinten Tarantino's mind any time soon. Score: 2

Talking: Insert every one-liner you can conjure up in the context of the Hollywood shoot-em-up. You won't find as much cursing as you did in Die Hard, nor will you find anything half as memorable as "I'll be back," or "Hasta La Vista." Rather, we're left with an arsenal of underwritten, formulaic drivel that robots would utter if they were the first of their kind. Basic. Boring. Obsolete. Score: 2

Sights: Of course this film scores higher here than it does in other areas, still, it's not even as visually stunning as Minority Report, and that film was made SEVEN YEARS AGO. All you see is a clumsily thrown together picture of the future. If Total Recall had been made in 2009, you'd have likely been wowed by its aesthetics, but that wouldn't make the film any less synthetically slung together. Score: 4

Sounds: The music does its best to enhance the experience, but your nerves are only ever slightly affected. Not even John Williams could provide a suitably involved audio experience for this film. It wouldn't work because the film unfolds in a neat, predictable fashion - sort of like a pile of t-shirts at The Gap. What kind of music do they play at The Gap? There's your answer. You didn't bother to listen the last time you were there, did you? Score: 2

PLOT SPOILERS

Best Scene: Do I have to? Um... Okay, there is one chase scene between Willis and a "humanoid" who may have found the way to kill both a surrogate AND it's human-controller! Wow, right?! Yeah, it's... okay.

Ending: Sort of like Knowing meets Terminator 2 meets an excuse-to-get-really-drunk-because-you-just-failed-your-final-exam. Seriously, this is the sort of ending a film student would make to appease his (or her) Rambo-obsessed professor's love for lazily happy endings. You're relived it's over, but entirely upset that you won't get this time back... ever.

Questions: Did Bruce Willis CHOOSE the hairstyle his surrogate has? Does he even remember what great hair LOOKS like? After virtually ruining the TerminatorT3, and now this... Will Jonathan Mostow ever be allowed to make a film again?!

Rewatchability: Though it's barely an hour and a half... You'll never want to watch this film again. You will probably run out and try to pick up one of those brain-warping devices Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith made popular in the Men in Black films... Ah, the 90s.

OVERALL

Getting through this movie was like walking three miles to work in a hail storm without a poncho, much less an umbrella. It's the kind of experience you pridefully talk about withstanding because it's a wonder you made it through. There was some relative anticipation I had going in. I didn't want to listen to the "real" critics sitting around me who were writing off Willis and Surrogates before the lights dimmed. Still, there was a deep-seeded feeling in my gut that this wasn't going to be great. It wasn't. It wasn't even OK. It was "dread" ful (you'll get this one after you see it). In a world that's rapidly handing over menial tasks to machines, this is a future that may as well be a conceivable one, but this film blows its chance to display a believable, substance-laden world.

Final Score: 2/10