Whiteout Directed by: Dominic Sena Cast: Kate Beckinsale, Tom Skerritt, Columbus Short, Gabriel Macht Running Time: 1 hr 41 mins Rating: R Release Date: September 11, 2009

Plot:U.S. Marshall Carrie Stetko (Beckinsale) tracks a killer in Antarctica, and it's a race against time as the sun is about to set for six months.

Who’s It For? Have you been dying for a serial killer thriller set in the snow? Then I can't stop you from seeing Whiteout. Everyone else should think twice. Also guys, the R-rating comes from violence, not any Beckinsale nudity.

Expectations: When I found out it was rated R I thought there might be hope for this movie. Otherwise, I'll be honest, I wasn't expecting much out of this film, except maybe being duped into feeling cold on a hot weekend.

SCORECARD (0-10)

Actors:

Kate Beckinsale as U.S. Marshall Carrie Stetko: Beckinsale doesn't fit as a Marshall, though I know she's capable of being a tough female lead thanks to Underworld. Let me describe her first scene ... Carrie arrives on base, walks by streaking guys, heads to her room, slowly undresses many layers of clothes, then slinks into the shower. She doesn't speak a word the entire time. It's the only time she shows a little skin, and it has nothing to do with anything. Just a little tease. It's the only time she leaves us wanting more in the entire film. Score: 2

Tom Skerritt as Dr. John Fury: Sure, his character's name sounds like a superhero, but Skerritt is just full of sassy responses and scotch. He gives the film it's only comic relief, and should be cast in this type of role more often, but that slowly deteriorates as the movie slowly rolls along and by the end you don't care about the fun he created in the beginning. Score: 4

Columbus Short as Delfy: He's the pilot. He's the driver. He's also the black guy in a movie with a killer on the loose. I'm not saying he dies, I'm just saying he should have his radar up. This is also a role that will be forgotten as soon as it's over, except for this dreadfully obvious line talking about his past in Iraq, "We just traded one desert for another ... but one a hell of a lot colder." Score: 4

Gabriel Macht as Robert Pryce: How is there no sexual tension? What's the point of having Beckinsale tease us with her body in the first scene if you're not going to bother giving her someone to flirt with a little bit? Robert is the other investigator on the case, but Macht and Beckinsale don't play off each other in any positive way, whether as partners or adversaries. Score: 3

Talking: Beckinsale could also be called Captain Obvious. She says things like, "It's a cargo plane," as everyone is standing -- very obviously -- in a cargo plane. Plus, there's more gems like, "It's a body," as everyone is staring at a dead body. The twists turn out to be flat as well, especially when the killer is revealed. It actually seems like the director simply didn't care who the killer was, so why should we? Score: 1

Sights: They really only used the cold effectively once. Carrie is left outside scrambling without gloves on. It's simply amazing a film about the cold, set in Antarctica, with temperatures below negative 60 degrees, never gave me chills once. Plus, the set seems more like styrofoam and special effects instead of the South Pole. Also, if you're going to see this film against my advice, a fun game to play would be to count how many times the killer swings and misses with his ax. Score: 1

Sounds: Bad things are coming. Bad things are coming! That's what the score is telling you, but everything unravels so slowly that the tension the music tries to create doesn't fit with what we're seeing. Plus, I can't give bonus points for wind sound effects. Too simple. Score: 2

OVERALL

I'm chalk full of chagrin ... yes, I'm changing up the phrase "much to my chagrin" ... why does it always have to be "much to my"? Anyway, Whiteout has nothing to do with a copy editor making mistakes and needing to reach for a bottle of white stuff over and over again. I think that would have been more entertaining.

There's something valuable on an old Russian plane that crashed in the 50s at the South Pole. Now the continent might have it's first serial killer. Unfortunately the cold is wasted, plus if they were truly to show a whiteout, you couldn't see anything. It seems like that's something this movie didn't think about.

I didn't see one set of chapped lips or people desperate for a face mask. I didn't care about the twists of who the killer was, or their motivation and the flashback they showed over and over again just wasted time. I wasn't entertained, I just wanted out of the supposed cold.

Final Score: 2/10