Sorority Row Directed by: Stewart Hendler Cast: Rumer Willis, Briana Evigan, Margo Harshman, Jamie Chung, Leah Pipes Running Time: 1 hr 30 min Rating: R

Plot: After a stupid prank goes predictably bad, a gaggle of loathsome, superficial b*tches make a series of amoral decisions and then get picked off, one by one, by a death-like specter wielding a tire iron/shuriken hybrid. Is the killer their dead friend that they dumped down a mineshaft? To get to the bottom of the mystery, they act like selfish soulless wh*res with low IQs.

Who’s It For? You got me. I’d say this is bland even by slasher-fan standards.

Expectations: It’s numerically impossible to quantify something that low.

SCORECARD (0-10)

Actors: Rumer Willis as Ellie: As of this moment in time, Rumer Willis can’t act. She’s not terrible, because she’s almost too tentative to risk anything. She’s flat. And either her hairstylist hates her, or she’s wearing the worst wig ever—either way, barely any screen presence and she’s not that aesthetic. Maybe she’ll improve and maybe she won’t, but the rest of us will move on with our lives. Score: 2

Leah Pipes as Jessica: Give Ms. Pipes an actual role with depth to it and I can see her rising to the challenge. Jessica (Pipes) is the Alpha b*tch of the group and so she’s specifically designed to be hated—at the same time, she has the best lines and she’s the only actor in Sorority Row with any charisma. If someone gives Pipes a real chance she could actually make something of herself. Score: 6

Briana Evigan as Cassidy: Cassidy is our little weak-willed Jiminy Cricket of the bunch. Evigan is lovely and she has one of those wonderful, growly voices, a la Demi Moore (ironic), so she’s not god-awful to watch. But the character doesn’t make any sense—she doesn’t fit with the rest of the herd and so you spend the whole time wondering why she’s even there. Why would she associate with this group of bratty psychos? Didn’t buy it, still not buying it, never gonna buy it. Score: 3

Jamie Chung as Claire: Jamie Chung is just gorgeous. She should probably set her sights on modeling instead. Score: 1

Margo Harshman as Chugs: This character made my skin actually crawl right off my bones. There was nothing redeemable about her: she wasn’t funny, she wasn’t sexy, and she was expressly written as the unclean, unscrupulous drug-addict slut. At one point, she’s sucking face with some random guy and he pauses and says to her, “You taste like vomit.” Just remembering that line makes me want to go take another shower. Score: 1

Talking: There were some funny lines (most of them belonging to Pipes), which served as a semi-okay distraction from the knee-high feces. Without these lines, the movie would have been so spectacularly ersatz, it would have actually ceased to exist before our very eyes. Score: 5

Sights: How do you make shoving a wine bottle down a girl’s throat boring? How is that possible, you morons? Everything was directly copied or so done-to-death it shouldn’t have made it past the first rewrite. Even the scare tactic red-herrings were predictable—person glances in mirror, opens medicine cabinet…spooky music…will there be something reflected behind her?…DRAMATIC MUSIC AND…sigh…it’s still just her reflection; then she turns and AAARRRGGGHHH TIRE IRON IN THE EYEBALL!! Snore Fest ’09. And ENOUGH with the characters wandering off in the dark by themselves, saying, “H-hello?…Is s-someone there?” Score: 1

Sounds: People scream, blood gurgles and pools. There are a few good songs, which offended me. As my boyfriend put it afterward, “They raped Franz Ferdinand.” Score: 1

PLOT SPOILERS

Best Scene: The best scene involves the best line and to repeat it here would reveal the killer’s identity. For the four people out there who will pay to see the movie, I won’t ruin it for you. You can send me four thank-you cards at your convenience.

Ending: So dumb, I felt my brain start to die.

Questions: The whole movie is one big question mark.

Rewatchability: As a torture device, sure. Tell us where you’ve hidden the WMD or we’ll…make you watch Sorority Row again! Mwa-HA-HA! Actually, I’m not sure the Obama administration would allow that. OVERALL

If my best friend had made this movie, I would’ve been proud of them for their virgin effort. There were some good parts intermittently scattered throughout all that boring, offensive swill. “Good try,” I would’ve said, and patted my friend on the shoulder. “Next time will be better.”

Except this isn’t a friend of mine, it’s a mindless group of money-grubbing Hollywood dung beetles who should be dumped on a desert island, where they can argue about how to dumb down Kill-Bot 5 so the Midwesterners will get it. This gives me an excellent idea for my own movie: seven Hollywood executives make a stupid movie as a prank and then they are picked off, one by one, by a hooded scorecardreview.com writer. The figure creeps up on them and then bashes them over the head with her ergonomic keyboard. Working title: You Were Asking For It. I’ll release it in 3D.

Final Score: 3/10