All About Steve Directed by: Phil Traill Cast: Sandra Bullock, Bradley Cooper, Thomas Haden Church, Ken Jeong, DJ Qualls Running Time: 1 hr 38 mins Rating: PG-13 Release Date: September 4, 2009

Plot: Mary (Bullock) is a crossword dork who is set up on a blind date with Steve (Cooper). She becomes obsessed and tracks this news cameraman across the country as he follows breaking news.

Who’s It For? Do you simply smile at the sight of Bullock? No matter what? That's it, that's the audience.

Expectations: You've got your typical: Sandra Bullock. Your atypical: Cooper and Jeong. Your dark horse: Haden Church. I was ready for anything. Though if this was going to be a stalker movie, it better be dark.

SCORECARD (0-10)

Actors: Sandra Bullock as Mary Horowitz: Bullock decided to try out a new personality with this one ... terribly socially awkward. She talks like crazy and believes there is a word (or sentence) for every situation. Imagine being on a bus stuck next to the worst person possible ... well, you don't have to imagine, because that's actually a scene in this by-the-numbers movie. The only reason we should like Mary, is because we're supposed to like Bullock. Not a chance. And once again, she does a little dance, just like in The Proposal. The dance is meant to endear us to her I guess, or show us her free spirit. It doesn't. Score: 1

Bradley Cooper as Steve: Does it bother anyone else that Mary keeps calling him Steven, even though the movie declares he's Steve? The only way a stalker-type film works is if we get to hang out with the guy who is being stalked. Cooper isn't around that much compared to Bullock, and he pretty much becomes just a decent looking device in this film. Score: 3

Thomas Haden Church as Hartman: Nothing is believable about the reporter job that Hartman has. And yes, I work at a TV station. Hartman is a douche, especially for leading Mary on with Steve. They never give a reason though, and they never even say if Hartman and Steve are or were friends. Church might be hard up for paying gigs because his roles in All About Steve + Imagine That = nothing memorable. Score: 2

Ken Jeong as Angus: If this was his only movie, there would never be a reason for him to work again. Luckily, we know he's funny. He's proved it. He gets a pass, even though his character as a segment producer actually believes the on-air talent would run out to find him a ginger ale, with shaved ice and a lemon. Ken, I expect more out of you than Angus. Score: 2

Talking: Mary doesn't shut up, nor does she say anything worth while. Plus, they stick a voiceover of her ... but it's not crazy Mary. Suddenly, in her voiceovers, it's Sandra Bullock trying to give some homespun advice. Argh. Score: 1

Sights: The special effects budget was spent on a tornado. It looked good, but terribly out of place. Those red boots of Mary's are supposed to be iconic I suppose, but her reason for wearing them, "because it's like ten friends hanging out at a campground," makes no sense. Score: 3

Sounds: Cake's "Long Jacket" is used a couple times. I guess when you're this lazy with storytelling you might as well not be creative with your song choices either. Score:

PLOT SPOILERS

Best Scene: Finally realizing this movie couldn't get any worse, they insert a group of deaf people and drop them down in a mine shaft. If only they had died, then they would have escaped the rest of the film.

Ending: I think they attempted a Revenge of the Nerds, "We Are The Champions" type ending ... it failed.

Questions: Explain why Steve ends up liking Mary. At no point is he mean ... he's direct. There's a big difference. Why hire someone from "The Daily Show" (Jaosn Jones) to parody a newsman, isn't that a little too many layers for this audience? Are the CCN studios actually located in Sacramento? Because that actually might be the biggest stretch in a plot that involves mine shafts and tornadoes. Oh wait, there's also this, Mary creates one crossword puzzle a week and she needs an escape from working to hard?

Rewatchability: Please. Please no. Dear god, anything but this, anything. Except maybe I Love You, Beth Cooper.

OVERALL

You know that really annoying person that just drives you nuts but they just don't know any better? I hate when something bad happens to them and everyone suddenly changes their tune. They say things like, "Oh, they aren't that bad." Guess what, they still are, it's just that tragedy has befallen them. Bad things happen to all of us, and I for one refuse to give that annoying person a pass. Insert Mary Horowitz. She is a character I never want to see, think of, or overhear people talk about ever again. She's annoying, and every character in the film feels the same way. This is like the main stream version of Poppy in Happy-Go-Lucky.

All About Steve is a mild-psycho comedy. It fails at everything it attempts to do. There's simply no point for it to exist.

Final Score: 2/10