The Goods: Live Hard. Sell Hard. Directed by: Neal Brennan Cast: Jeremy Piven, Ed Helms, Ving Rhames, James Brolin, David Koechner, Kathryn Hahn, Alan Thicke Running Time: 1 hr 30 mins Rating: R Release Date: August 14, 2009

Plot: A notorious fast-talking traveling salesman (Piven) must help an auto lot sell their cars before they are bought out by their competitor.

Who’s It For? As much as the film is profane, its tired humor would fit better in a PG-13 arena for those who consider jokes about men hitting on other men to still be funny. But considering how bad this movie is, The Goods probably won't be enjoyed by any patron over the age of 17 unless they enter with bottom-dollar expectations.

Expectations: Even after seeing the film's not so funny preview constantly at the movies this summer, there were still hopes this would be a breezy mid-August comedy with odd, yet original characters. Oh, who are we kidding. I just wanted to laugh.

SCORECARD (0-10)

Actors: Jeremy Piven as Don Ready: Only one episode of "Entourage" is needed to grasp the comedic potential Piven has as a smooth talker with a mouth that rivals the size of his ego. However, an entire viewing of The Goods does little to convince us that he can be as successful with that character mold on the silver screen. Ready is more full of himself than funny, partially due to a script that gives him zero memorable lines. Score: 3

Ed Helms as Paxton Harding: Son of the competition, Paxton is a goofy character in that he is adamant on having his boy band - scratch that, "man band," reach international success. Helms, who was funnier in The Hangover but slightly amuses here, is a good sport about spiked hair and "man band" gag. But outside of segments where Paxton is a clown to the likes of O-Town, he's just more hot air floating around The Goods. Score: 4

Talking: Lots of cussing. Some movies can be inventive with the packing of the same four letter words, while some others revel in their "word mud" like children, dropping letter bombs in hopes of sounding cool when “sticking it to the man.” Similar to how Step Brothers operated last year, the language is an unneeded spice that prevents The Goods from having a wider audience that it could really benefit from. Score: 4

Sights: Craig Robinson and Will Ferrell use their shticks in recurring mini-roles in attempts to step up the lack of laughs so rampant in The Goods. Mostly improvising, Robinson is amusing as a disc jockey who refuses to listen to suggestions (despite being called DJ Request), and Ferrell plays Ready's dead colleague in flashbacks. Score: 5

Sounds: All-4-One's "I Swear" and Extreme's "More Than Words" are resurrected to have their corniness parodied once again. Don Ready's admiration for Bob Seger leads to two ear-splitting vocal performances from Jeremy Piven which are just not funny. Last and certainly least, someone in the post-production offices of The Goods got bored and tagged on a dialogue-remix at the very end of the credits. Two lines of dialogue are put to music in one of the more bizarre ending Easter eggs I've ever seen. Score: 4

OVERALL

With downers like District 9 and The Time Traveler's Wife appearing this weekend, some film (or sacrifice) has to fill the vacant comedy space to round up the multi-plex's wide selection. Unthankfully, that slot-filling dud is The Goods, a moldy script from 2005 that as a whole has less imagination than the first 20 minutes of District 9. Far too often its humor is riffing on topics like MC Hammer and the boy band phenomenon, completely oblivious to their staleness. As if this project couldn't be any more dated, there are dedicated references to "American Idol" contestant Bo Bice who was on the show four years ago.

The film is loaded with notable side-characters from TV shows and movies, (which includes Tony Hale from "Arrested Development," Ed Helms from "The Office," hell, even Alan Thicke shows up), all of whom would be paper thin here were it not for their one-note character descriptions (closet homosexual, racist, nymphomaniac, etc).

The Goods is hardly a source for laughs. An education in comedic failure, maybe.

Final Score: 3/10