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Fast and Furious

Fast and Furious Directed by: Justin Lin Cast: Vin Deisel, Paul Walker, Jordana Brewster Time: 1 hr 30 min Rating: PG 13

Plot: FBI agent Brian O’Conner (Paul Walker) and noble rogue Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) join forces in the fourth installment in this automotive porn series to bring down the head of a drug cartel.

Who’s It For? Fans of mindless action flicks! Woooo!

Expectations: I was hoping for brainless, silly action and Vin Diesel is usually pretty good about that. I should warn everyone that I’m basing this review entirely on how much I enjoyed the movie and my innate ability to switch off my brain—if you, on the other hand, cannot turn your brain off, you probably shouldn’t even read this review. Right now my demographic consists of slaves to action flicks and zombies.


Actors: Vin Diesel as Dom: Vin Diesel is a lion in man form with an aura of a fierce mane about his shiny bald nogan. He purrs and growls and gives everyone else a bored, sleepy-eyed look right before throwing them out a window or dropping a car engine on their face. I love him the way I love junk food, "Dateline," and skipping my workouts in the morning—he’s not good for anyone, you won’t learn anything from him, but it feels so damned good, you just don’t care. Heck, I enjoyed Diesel in Babylon A.D. and that movie was a vastly confused wreck of converging, convoluted plotlines. If it’s action or sci-fi, and Diesel’s present, I’m bound to show up. Score: 9

Paul Walker as O’Conner: Walker’s main character flaw is his utter lack of Vin Dieselosity or, more simply, his un-Vinness. He’s athletic and pretty and fun to watch, but he lacks the glowering ferocity of his costar. In an effort to make up lost ground between himself and Diesel, Walker sports a weird, scraggy five o’clock shadow for the duration of the film—even when he’s at work in a business suit. If he wasn’t so pretty he’d look unkempt and maybe even secretly alcoholic, but it’s all in an effort to not look like a preppy Abercrombie and Fitch model. Walker gets a C+ on that account, but because he was standing next to Diesel… Score: 6

Jordana Brewster as Mia: Brewster is yet another anorexic, flat-arsed beauty who’s main acting abilities amount to cocking her head to one side and smiling with only part of her mouth. It’s funny that she’s supposedly Diesel’s sister, because she looks like a wet sock next to his hyper-musculature, but whatever, she’s an original character. Score: 3

Michelle Rodriguez as Letty: Ah, Michelle … if only you hadn’t been busted for drunk driving and then kicked off of Lost. If only you weren’t quasi-blacklisted and considered basically uninsurable by an industry that regularly employs freaks and whackjobs. You are so beautiful, so svelte, and so agile! You are so much fun to watch and yet, we don’t get to watch you, because you’re too busy torching your career. For the ten minutes of screen time… Score: 7

Talking: There’s no talking in this movie, people, don’t be silly. Maybe there was some chatting between explosions and erotic lesbian orgies, but it’s obviously low on the list. Consider this exchange between two people of average intelligence: Person 1—So, you saw Fast and Furious last night? How was the dialogue? Person 2—HAHAHAhahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Score: 4

Sights: Fast and fun and totally unrealistic—combine in a large mixing bowl and bake at 425 degrees and what you end up with is a big vat of STEAMING AWESOME. I would like to reiterate, once more, that if you are incapable of being entertained by, say, a high speed chase through a narrow series of underground caves, you should probably just go rent The Duchess again. You deserve Keira Knightley and her drawn on mole. Score: 8

Sounds: BOOM! EXPLLLLOOOODDDDEEE!!!! Now for some techno/rap/trapno and half naked bimbos slung over mind-blowing cars! Wooooo! I mean…it’s not, you know…terrible… Score: 8


Best Scene: My favorite scene was the one involving the high speed car chases and stuff catching on fire—wait, that was the whole movie! Silly me. Whole movie, best scene.

Ending: When I’m 85, I’ve decided to only eat peanut butter pies, breakfast, lunch, and dinner. The ending was like that, but far better. It’s way too rich and it’ll make you a little sick afterwards, but gosh-darned, it’s worth it.

Questions: Vin Diesel and Paul Walker are really recognizable people and yet, they are constantly infiltrating underworld organizations without even an obligatory fake mustache…AND THAT’S PERFECTLY AWESOME!!! NO QUESTIONS HERE!!!

Rewatchability: Yeah, beotches!!!!!!!!….I mean…you know, maybe…

OVERALL I would like to apologize to all thinking people everywhere who may bump into this review and have their IQs forcefully lowered as a result. A professor once told me he refused to see any movie if something blew up in the previews—I owe him a particularly heartfelt “so sorry.” What I will continue to tell myself is that this sort of movie lets my id go hog-wild and no one gets hurt, so if you think about it, it’s actually a public service. True, after the film was over, everyone (my friend included) squealed out of the parking lot and went a hundred miles an hour in a residential area, but that’s … relatively minor. And as far as we know, no innocent pedestrians were squashed, so, no harm no foul, right? Ha ha!

Excuse me; I have somewhere to be. VRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMM!

Final Score: 8/10

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