Even as a little kid, I couldn’t help but feel that some of the holiday figures I was always told about, like Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny, were a little off. I mean, I liked what most of them represented, like plenty of gifts and time off of school, but there was still that nagging feeling in my gut. As time went on and much to Tinkerbell’s dismay, I stopped believing, I began to see a more practical use for these holiday figures. After all, each of them has a discernible talent, so why not exploit it the best way I know how? That’s right folks, holiday horror movies. Now I’m not talking about My Bloody Valentine or any of those slashers that feed off of the holiday buzz. Nah, I’m talking about something else entirely. Sure, some of these have already been inducted into the endless (and largely forgettable) list of Hollywood horror, but this is my take. So in honor of October and Halloween, here are a couple of other holiday folks that I've always thought deserved a Hollywood makeover. Santa Claus What’s It About – Santa’s gotten the horror makeover before where he was portrayed as a demon in the awesomely schlocky Santa’s Slay. This one will take a more realistic approach. After all, breaking and entering? A strange obsession with little kids? This one practically writes itself! Besides, Santa as a tortured thief and pedophile has Oscar bait written all over it. The Hollywood Twist – Santa’s just misunderstood. His good deeds are a sort of penance for his sexual misdeeds during his lifetime in a “Who’s the real monster?” twist a la King Kong. Sure, he was bad before, but can’t a fella change? Who Plays Him – Who’s Hollywood’s favorite child molester? That’s right ladies and gentleman, the talented Mr. Jackie Earle Haley would tackle the tortured jolly old St. Nick in a role that’s sure to win him that Oscar this time as long as he puts on some extra pounds.
The Tooth Fairy What’s It About – No, not that cinematic abortion starring The Rock… or Darkness Falls… or worse yet, that Disney original movie where Kirstie Alley played the tooth fairy. Man, the tooth fairy has not been treated well by Hollywood... Anyway, here’s the angle, the tooth fairy collects kid’s teeth, right? I’m thinking an in-depth exposé on organ theft centered around the tooth fairy who’s forced to collect organs from kids to sell on the black market. The Hollywood Twist – Bam! All of a sudden, out of nowhere it becomes a hard-hitting piece on these uncertain economic times. It’s not the tooth fairy’s fault that she’s forced to steal in order to survive! Blame it on big government! People will never see it coming. Who Plays Her – Björk. If we could just get her to channel that inner-crazy from when she bit that reporter at the airport, I feel confident we could make this even more moving than her role in Dancer in the Dark. And let’s be real, she’s got no problem selling crazy.
The Easter Bunny What’s It About – A bunny that lays eggs? Sounds like another case of man tampering with science in ways God never intended. Soon, the Easter Bunny begins laying more and more eggs. Even its babies lay eggs! Soon, the human population will be overrun by bunnies! Oh the humanity! The Hollywood Twist – What’s that Hollywood scientists? You still haven’t learned the lesson after Splice? It’s the moral of just about every movie starring scientists. Quit playing God! Who Plays It – Do you think we can get the bunny from Monty Python and the Holy Grail? Nah, he’s probably dead… I literally Googled “famous bunnies” and I got nothing, so maybe cast an unknown.
OK, I'll now sit by the phone and wait for Hollywood to come calling. Any other imaginary characters ready for a makeover?