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This week’s “Question of the Week” on Jeff Bayer’s “Movie B.S.” podcast is inspired by Ted — an R-rated comedy about a man and his teddy bear.
Sometimes when Hollywood is looking for ideas, they raid our toy boxes. In the past few years, we have seen plenty of toy franchises (and board games) get the big treatment, like Transformers and Battleship. We've also relived certain childhood nostalgia with the help of Pixar's innocent Toy Story franchise.
This week, things change drastically with Ted, an R-rated comedy featuring a stuffed animal who some of us might recognize as our first friend. In honor of Ted and all teddy bears alike that are about to be seen in a different light, here are some childhood toys that also deserve to be made into an R-rated comedy.
7. Power Wheels
Recap: You definitely owned a piece of the road (sidewalk) if you cruised the territory in these mini-cars that foreshadowed the electric car. Since starting in 1984, they have had many numerous versions, most of them fancier than any real car I will actually drive. Possible Movie Pitches: With Fast Five gaining applause and bro-roars throughout the country, it's time for a Power Wheels movie. I imagine these mini-automobiles would be best used in some type of competition, by really tall people who struggle to even fit inside them. Or, if someone wanted to get really ballsy, they could make these things talk. Talk about what? Gas prices, of course.
Recap: Before going to med school, you played "Operation." It's a board game in which you use tweezers to pick grotesque things out of a man's body, while trying not to inflict moments that were paid tribute to in 127 Hours. Possible Movie Pitches: It's amazing that this movie hasn't been made yet. It's rife for plenty of dark comedy, and the type of gross Prometheus-like medical operations that we just can't get enough of. "Operation" could make for a gut-busting comedy about a group of doctors who just take horses out of clown-y Joseph Stalin-looking dudes all day.
Reason: This was a board game where you shot little balls at another thing. According to the commercial, if you win the game you could very well blow away your stupid friend to outer space. Possible Movie Pitches: There might be no board game better fit for a bromantic Duplass Bro comedy than "Crossfire," a high octane "Rapid Fire Shoot-Out Game" with plenty of intensity and none of the strategy. This is a game meant for trigger-mashing, which could lead to many amusing arguments between highly intoxicated friends. I am not sure the Duplass Brothers would be able to pull off the whole "eject friend to space" thing, but they would surely be able to get Jenny Lewis to recreate the theme song.
4. Super Soakers
Recap: Before you get your license in the NRA or give up the concept of violence altogether, you get a super soaker. You're supposed to fill them up in a sink in which you can't fully fit it under the faucet, and then you spray a wall or something. If you actually got someone wet with one of these things, you were an asshole. Possible Movie Concepts: An R-rated comedy with super soakers simply needs to happen so that the World's First Super Soaker Battle can actually be a thing. All Super Soaker users know that such weapons were only meant to derail its possibly Freudian symbolism, and not actually be used on other people. Because no one actually wanted to get wet.
Recap: That game that helped you have your first awkward touch against someone while also teaching you how to be a contortionist is certainly well overdue for a comedy. Possible Movie Concepts: Of course, a comedy about Twister (which is going to happen in ten years, mark your calendars now) would be a sex comedy. The worst kind of sex comedy, because some ugly guy's kneecap would be blocking your view anyway. There is no doubt that this movie would feature Michael Cera whenever his career starts going downhill.
2. Wiffle ball + bat
Recap: Because real baseballs hurt a lot, the wiffle ball and bat was invented. The wiffle ball is special from any other type of ball because it has holes in it, which are used strategically by nerds to throw "trick pitches." Possible Movie Concepts: The wiffle ball + bat have a lot malleability in the R-rated comedy genre. Maybe there's a sexy rivalry between two opposite gender camps, and they have to beat to the evil corporation from turning their basketball court into an Arby's? The possibilities are endless, with the greatness of a wiffle ball game untapped by cinema. No matter what happens in this actual movie, the thing has to end with two bored people tossing their wiffle bat in the air, and then the two decide it would be much cooler to pretend they were lightsabers.
1. My Pet Rock
Recap: Sometimes I wonder if my life would have been better if I had lived in a different age, but then I remember the pet rock existed, and that people bought them. I couldn't have missed out on too much, in that case. Possible Movie Concepts: All types of pets have been given the movie marquee spotlight. Dogs, cats, whatever. Except for the pet rock. I want to see a romantic comedy like Must Love Dogs but this time it must be called Must Love Rocks. And no, the rock doesn't talk, because that would be stupid.