After viewing James Cameron’s Avatar for the first time, (midnight showing in Chicago) I remember thinking in great detail about the planet of Pandora. I’m not sure if I had a dream related to what I had seen in the film, but I did wake up to the thoughts of the different creatures and plants I had been introduced to by Cameron’s film. With no question in mind I knew that Avatar was the most visually stunning movie I had ever seen. However, as the days passed, it began to sink in my stomach how I truly felt about the entire package. As someone else had said about Cameron’s uber-expensive movie, “story must not have been part of the budget.” This person was right. Special effects do not make a movie. There’s a fifteen hour opera by Wagner, called “Der Ring des Nibelungen” (“The Ring of the Nibelung.”) As gorgeous and accomplished as this work may be, it is not an opera that relies on one aesthetic importance, (in Wagner’s case music, in Cameron’ case visuals), to take its place as a "classic," nevermind keep his audience entertained. There must be a story, as the visuals or music can only stand up so long before people begin to contemplate what your “work of art” is really about.

I began to think of Wagner’s opera more seriously after a second viewing of Avatar, when I had spent a total of 324 minutes of my life on Pandora. Now, with all of the buzz, hundreds of news articles about Cameron’s film, and suicidal threats by fans with blue face paint, it’s as if I have never left the planet. This is, of course, against my will.

The following is a list of gripes I have with all that is Avatar. It will be free of the phrase “dances with Smurfs” and the word “Pocahontas.”

CLICK HERE to read The Many Questions of James Cameron's 'Avatar' - which Jeff Bayer wrote a day after seeing the film.

Editor's Note (1/16/10) - Thanks to everyone for all of the comments. I'm looking forward to the future one which reads, "You don't like every aspect of something I love. You are mean. So I will now say, you suck. Good day to you sir, I said Good day." When Allen told me he wanted to write this Top 7, he specifically said he was going to dig deeper than, "The Na'vi are tall and blue, like big Smurfs." Allen did his job well. I think both of us give the film a 7/10. And MANFID, I could read your broken English all day. Just Brilliant.

7. "I See You" sucks – This is at number seven for a reason, because it seems to be a no-brainer for anyone who sat through 162 minutes of Avatar, only to have their experience summed up by this dud of a theme tune (as sung by Leona Lewis). Not only is it instantly forgettable and dated, but it’s the little tugboat that can’t when compared to Celine Dion’s Titanic song. The repeated line in the film “I see you” is questionable enough, but the musical attempt at giving such a phrase any type of emotional meaning is a whole other planet of cheese. (And while we’re at it, something about the score: What’s with that trumpet trill that sounds every time something bad happens? It sounds like something Ennio Morricone threw in a trash compactor after shaving it off a decent piece of music. It also sounds like something else, but I can’t put my finger on it. Either way, Eywa was not with James Horner this round, that’s for sure.)

6. "AVATAR" - Especially compared to the blue word coloring used in the posters, and in context of the grandiosity that continued for two and a half hours before it, this is one of film’s worst title cards ever. After everything has been said and done, the word AVATAR flies at its audience, (some given a little protection with their 3-D glasses), displeases their eyeballs for about three seconds, and then vanishes. Before you can even comprehend the word “sequel” from the movie’s final shot, these giant, bright green and ugly six letters obliterate our retinas, taking up as much space on the screen as possible, and utilize that ugly “Papyrus” font (more on that below) to the MAX as if it were the punchline to a sick joke.

5. The usage of Papyrus - As some of you might have noticed, King James Cameron put a lot of work into every aesthetic detail related to the planet of Pandora. For one, he hired a professor from USC to create a whole language for the Na’vi. One element that Cameron must have skimmed over however, is the font in which these 1,000 words are subtitled. Borrowing from D-grade history report covers and Egyptian museum exhibit titles, Cameron uses the incredibly bland word font of “Papyrus” to present with the text of Avatar. (Was “Comic Sans” too busy getting made fun of?) Still, considering how much Cameron put into, well, everything about this movie, one would think he’d have the courage to try something other than “Papyrus,” or even make his own font. (Eywa knows he has the capability.) Since Avatar has so many connections to the internet, how do you say “epic fail” in Na’vi?

4. It’s beating better movies at history's box office – One can’t exactly defend the legacy of many films at the top of the “All-Time Worldwide Box Office Grosses” list. Movies like Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest and Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End can fend for themselves when it comes to maintaining their spots in box office history, because they’re about as enjoyable as Avatar. However, it’s absolutely wrong that a movie like Avatar is outselling films like Lord of the Rings: Return of the King and The Dark Knight. Why? Because The Dark Knight, all three Lord of the Rings movies, (and a lot of others) are better than Cameron’s new film. Thus they are more than deserving of their placements in box office. A key example is Star Wars, which is currently fifteen million away from being dethroned in the domestic box office at spot #3. Remember that movie? It helped advanced filmmaking and the whole concept of going to the movies, and it was also an original screenplay. It’s like Avatar, but a movie that didn’t depend solely on visual effects to create curiosity which then turned into an empire.

3. I have to keep thinking about Avatar - I can’t creep Twitter in peace, nor can I peruse online film sites without seeing those six letters branded somewhere. I’m definitely not safe at IMDb, and the Avatar page itself couldn’t be a bigger hell. Worst of all, it’s impossible to have a conversation with someone about the flicks o’ today without having to mentally revisit my unpopular thoughts about the almighty experience of (cue trumpets) AVATAR. Plus, all of the time I could be spending thinking about, say, Up in the Air or the tentative directors for the Spider-Man reboot, I waste worrying if this humdinger will make its place in all of film history as the highest grossing movie EVER. Eywa-dammit.

2. AVATAR will not be as great on Blu-ray/DVD -  If people ever needed a reminder that Avatar is still a MOVIE and not an out-of-this-world or out-of-body experience, the home release of this flick will do just that. Of course Avatar will continue detonating records when it arrives on DVD/Blu-ray, but it will lose a lot of its spark once people are forced to watch it on their thirty inch TVs or even iPods. I can only hope that the Blu-ray and DVDs don’t come with 3-D, because as anyone may figure out, 3-D on DVD is more of a joke than some of Avatar’s dialogue. Such a grandiose movie will not be able to translate to an aspect of film that is becoming as important as seeing it on the big screen – watching it at the home theater (whatever that may be). The graphics will always be fantastic, but the presence of Avatar will not. And those who have really overwhelmed themselves via IMAX or other ways of stadium seating with intense fantasies of Pandora and Cameron’s universe will either come back down to Earth, or will have hopefully offed themselves by then.

1. It’s making people say dumb things - I am talking about, of course, the extremists who look much too far into Avatar from both angles (this does not mean all fans of Avatar). Those literally praising the film for the world it creates (including those who take this post too seriously) or condemning it for some pointless reason are equally idiotic. Recently, hardcore fans have reported becoming depressed when realizing that the lifestyle of the Na’vi and the planet of Pandora is the real element of “unobtainium.” On the other hand, the “critics” are scanning the film with magnifying glasses to point out every cultural significance inside of the film, and then claim that it is “promoting” such activities like smoking, bestiality, racism, etc. It must be because Avatar is standing right in front of us in its giant glory that these bored individuals notice such ”theories,” as thousands of films before and after Avatar will always be open for discussion, and will include smoking, people riding animals, and unfortunate casting, etc. Criticism is always fair game, but perhaps we should spend our time instead thinking about … a lot of other things that work or don't work in Avatar.