And J’s right–

I double-dog dare you to do a he said/she said with me.

I am hoping that we are both too sarcastic to know it. I remember being scared of even movie trailers when I was a wee one, so I can actually sympathize with my pansy pre-school fellow audience members.

And yes I do have grumpy old man dentures. They don’t inflict much pain, though. But they do help me get senior discounts

Do NOT mess with the Nickster when it comes to Bolt, because he will EFF YOU UP MOTHER-EFFERS!

Here’s the thing: I could see from a very detached standpoint how Bolt was creative and interesting–it just didn’t tap into anything even remotely deeper with me. I’m not saying that if I were going to compare Bolt and Transporter 3, T3 would best the former in quality or writing–from my perspective, Bolt was hollow, and yes, I’m comparing it to Wall-E and other more, as you put it, artsy representations of animation.

The strange thing is I should’ve LOVED bolt. And I’m noticing that, critically, some people love it and some people share my exact reaction–namely, “shrug.” I came out of Bolt feeling underwhelmed and tired, end of story.

As for the “screw the screaming ankle-biters, I dug it!” it’s a film for kids, you doofus. It scared the crap out of the little girl I was seeing it with, and all the children around me were pie-eyed with terror. It is noteworthy that children–aka the primary demographic–could wet the bed for weeks after seeing Bolt.

“Kids are pansies!” right? When they kick your seat, do you grumble and shake your umbrella at them? “Darn you whippersnappers!” you declare. “You with your underdeveloped pathos and innocent, uncorrupted look at your own sense of reality! Go away before I throw my grumpy old man dentures at you! Derned those kids!”

Oh and one more thing: Jason Statham is purdy. He’s the purdiest bald-headed boy on the block. I want to dress him in fur coats and feather boas and then give him a hearty spanking. I want to take him home to mother and introduce him as Monsieur Bad Ass. I want him to bring me breakfast in bed. I would’ve given Transporter 3 a 5.

I thought this movie was amazing. It’s animation was as well constructed as its story, and it’s humor was never focused on a certain age group (it was just FUNNY). Yeah, it might scare kids, but I don’t care. That’s life. Sometimes movies are scary when you don’t expect them. It makes you tough. Or cry. Whatever. Just DON’T kick my f***ing seat!

I wrestled with the thought of where this stood as to WALL-E, but soon realized they could not be compared. WALL-E is at the core an art film, packaged to children, eaten up (no pun intended) by their parents, etc, etc. It is a beautiful film, etc, etc. However, BOLT is just a fantastic animated film, with great characters and an even better story. It’s entertainment, but superb entertainment at that (especially in the vibrant 3D).

I don’t agree that the film felt like it was “straight off the conveyor belt.” This film was almost anything but that, it was always very clever in how it connected its events, (how Bolt and his homies escaped their various perilous situations) and also very intelligent in its action. It was an awesome story about ordinary heroes and it was extremely entertaining, with both grand main characters and hilarious side-characters (which didn’t really steal the scene, just added greatness to them). Even Miley Cyrus was given just the right amount of lines so that she was an important character but not an overbearing LOOK ITS MILEY DOING A MOVIE kind of BS. Yeah, her song with Travolta in the credits was weak. I know.

Most of all, Rhino KICKED ASS. He should have his own Michael Bay-produced spin off co-starring Will Smith. That or at least a side-kick part with the, as you declared, “purdy” Jason Statham in another one of his “The _______ Job” movies.