I can’t decide if last night’s Oscars were a disaster or not. Sure, I laughed my ass off. But at what cost? Was most of the entertainment laughing with the ceremony, or did I find it so enjoyable because it was such a mess?
To settle this debate within myself, I’ve decided to compile a list of last night’s highlights, spanning the entire ceremony, but not in exact order. Then, I’m going to decide what’s positive and what’s negative by indicating a “plus” or a “minus” to a general quality index. It’s a bit like Jeff Bayer’s “Oscar Bowling,” except that it makes no sense at all.
And the winning/losing moments are …
James Franco and Anne Hathaway brought a “young” aspect to the Oscars, but I wouldn’t say it was “hip.” After their hilarious introduction video, the duo hosted the Oscars as if it were a high school talent show, with Franco playing the role of “Most Popular Kid In School Who Got Stoned In His Jetta Before the Ceremony” while Hathaway was “Cheery Valedictorian That Everyone’s Mom Wants Their Son To Take To Prom.” As the night progressed, Franco looked less interested, reading off the TelePrompTer with occasional glances to something in the ceiling, away from the entire audience. Probably trying to memorize notes for a class at Yale, or probably trying to think about where he can get some Doritos backstage.
PLUS One Doritos Bag + One Big Awkward Night
Kirk Douglas sauntered on stage and dominated the ceremony for an extensive time, having the entire movie world’s attention in the palm of his hand (when he wasn’t using them to fight for his cane). A great addition to last night’s theme of “film history,” he discussed how enamored he was with the beauty of all of the “Best Supporting Actress” nominees, and then gave a surprised Anne Hathaway a few kind words about her looks. A moment that will be studied by gerontologists until the end of time, Douglas said and did whatever the f**k he felt like. He delayed the announcement of the award twice so that he could call out Hugh Jackman, and then the entire Academy for snubbing him three times.
PLUS 94 Years
Not only were people on stage stating that they were continually enamored with the size of the Oscar ceremony and its audience, but it didn’t seem like anyone could pull the actual card out of the envelopes. At least the seals were easy to break.
MINUS 6 x 8 Inches
Youtube music brainiacs Schmoyoho (known for “Autotune the News”) brought their funky magic to a worldwide-televised audience with Oscar’s first (and hopefully not last) usage of an autotuned montage. Parodied clips included from The Social Network, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1, Toy Story 3, and the non-nominated, Twilight: Eclipse.
PLUS 4 For Internet Nerds
Some actors desperately tried to control themselves, and muffled what would probably could have been legendary Oscar speeches. Colin Firth kept threatening in his speech to dance, but he never pulled through. Natalie Portman kept in her “Golden Globes” cackle, leaving thousands of GIF-hungry internet geeks feeling disappointed and even more lonesome than after a repeat viewing of Garden State.
MINUS 2 Lost Chances at Internet Memes
However, Melissa Leo and Christian Bale embraced their new Lowell roots, as Bale turned his enthusiastic speech into an excited plug for the real Dick Eklund’s website, (dickeklund.com), while Melissa Leo, caught up in the amazingness of being pinched by a fun and flirty Kirk Douglas, became the first Oscar winner to drop an “F” bomb.
PLUS 2 KWAAAAAAGAS!
… Also, these Oscars are very well-deserved. Melissa Leo’s performance in The Fighter is “wicked awesome,” and Christian Bale has been deserving of some Oscar-credibility for quite some time. And, Hailee Steinfeld didn’t win.
PLUS 2 Smart Votes
It appears that Anne Hathaway can sing, and James Franco can look like he doesn’t want to be there, especially when he’s in a dress.
Kevin Spacey sings an a capellea selection Top Hat, making the Oscar’s first mention of Fred Astaire probably in thirty years. Oh, and then he introduces himself as George Clooney.
PLUS 1 Fred Astaire + George Clooney Reference
Oh right, Sandra Bullock did win last year. I think we can all agree now that The Blind Side sucks.
MINUS 1 Still Baffling “Best Picture” Nominee
The amount of reaction shots was pretty slim this year, but a handful of them were priceless. Could the Coen Brothers have looked any more bored during Oprah’s speech? Was Ethan scraping gum off his shoes or something?
MINUS The Attention of Two Bored Coen Brothers
Didn’t see True Grit yet? Oscar doesn’t care. The ceremony took reckless liberty with what it used for the nominee “re-caps,” spoiling two pivotal moments in the third act of the film. Why couldn’t they just stick to showing the “Bearman” sequence over and over again?
MINUS A RESPECTABLE AMOUNT OF OSCAR VIEWERS
Apparently, while Toy Story 3 may have been a nominee for “Best Picture,” it was not worthy as of many re-caps of other films, earning the least amount of them all. Oh, it was the highest grossing movie of 2010 also? Huh. Whatever. Animation still has a long way to go to overcome Oscar’s prejudice.
MINUS Domestic Total Gross of $415,004,880
While I was still trying to breathe from suffocation coming from some “Best Picture” disappointment, a bunch of kids in multi-colored stage stormed the awards ceremony and sang “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” Nearly everyone of them took their performance to overdramatic ends, (some kids even used hand signals), like a bunch of Lea Michele from “Glee” wannabes. Why did this have to happen? And why did they have to sing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”?
MINUS A Bunch of Kids Making Oscar Misery Last Even Minutes Longer
Next time, I will remember that the Academy might like timely international movies, but they don’t have Facebook.
MINUS One Victory For Me In My Oscar Pool, Better Luck Next Year, Go Yogi Bear 2!