By Nick Allen
In Die Hard, a lone cop from New York killed a group of terrorists and saved the lives of hundreds. In Jingle All The Way, a regular dad (Schwarzenegger) learned to fly, and at the same time became a true hero to his son, (who was played by Jake Lloyd!)
Christmastime is the peak season for the miracle business. Here’s some events I’d like to see happen this Friday. If they don’t happen, well, either way I should have enough money to buy that Weezer snuggie I’ve always wanted.
- Reserve Deputy Sheriff Steven Seagal (and On Deadly Ground actor and auteur) arrests FBI’s most wanted, James “Whitey” Bulger, when Seagal’s “police instinct” leads him to a Krispy Kreme. Seagal tazes him first, and then the Michigan native yells in a Bayou tone, “You’re goin’ to tha slamma for a lawwnng time, brotha!”
- An MTV studios intern drinks too much eggnog while trying to impress his fake-baked girlfriend and releases the unaired episodes of stereotype opus “Jersey Shore” back to back. With no commercials! I cry Ronnie-sized tears just thinking about it.
- While being berated by a Batman fan who has nothing better to do on Christmas than bug Christopher Nolan, the Dark Knight director lets slip the word “Penguin.” This is followed up by, “Oh bloody hell, The Hoff isn’t going to like this.”
- A large amount of the people who worshiped District 9 wake up one morning and realize that their cherished “original” film is actually a mediocre metaphorical representation of apartheid that reduces itself to a mindless shoot-em-up in the third act.
- A reclusive trillionaire who has a copyright on the word “the” writes a check that wipes out the national debt and leaves enough left over so we can all get a McFlurry at McDonald’s.
- I wake up next to Katy Perry. High five!
- Picketers and hunger strikers prevent the release of Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel. It is later revealed that the hippies in question helped create the movie.
- Robocop catches me shaking presents under the tree and tells me to “stay out of trouble.”
- I actually get my parents some presents before December 25, 2009. Here’s hoping you like Lady Gaga, dad!
What about you? Anything that could truly make your holiday even more merry or bright? And while we’re talking, got any ideas on what I can get my folks?